


Go Tell It In The Ocean

by darkin520



Category: seaQuest
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Holidays, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 10:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 34,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12933129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkin520/pseuds/darkin520
Summary: Written for the '25 Days of Christmas Challenge' at The Reviews Lounge, Too. Nathan learns to embrace the holidays once again with a little help from his friends. This is an older story of mine from FFN, but I just realized I never uploaded it here.  *COMPLETE*





	1. We Need A Little Christmas

_"…for we need a little Christmas right this very minute!"_

Nathan jumped as he was roused out of a very pleasant sleep. He sat up, rubbing his eyes sleepily as it took him a moment to realize that the Christmas music he heard wasn't a part of a dream he'd been having. No, indeed, there were Christmas carols blaring over the PA system. He knew the song, but this version sounded suspiciously familiar, like…

" _Fozzie, we're all in a hurry!"_

He snapped his fingers. That was it: the Muppets; he remembered this version from when Robert was a child. But wait a minute? Why were Christmas Carols playing over his PA system? He'd never approved such a thing, but it only took him a second to realize who the culprit was: Ben, of course.

Nathan sighed and muttered under his breath as he quickly dressed. It was a cute prank, but he had to put an end to this before the whole boat had their much-needed rest interrupted by a slew of Christmas carols performed by several different artists. A slight shudder ran down his spine at the thought of the countless versions of  _Carol of the Bells_. Listening to them all would be torture.

As soon as he walked out of the corridor, he noticed that not only had the PA system been transformed into a holiday cheer spreader, but also tinsel, lights, and other various sorts of Christmas decorations had been attached to the walls. Nathan paused to look at his watch. When in the world did Ben get up to do all this? He gave a shake of his head. No matter. This all had to come down. They had business to conduct, not play games.

He walked to the end of the corridor and heard voices.

"Hand me that one over there."

Nathan smiled to himself. That was Ben, and of course, he had help. He quickened his pace as he headed in the direction of the voices: the mess hall. Ben and Lucas were hanging tinsel and fake snowflakes from the ceiling as  _Silent Night_  played over the PA system.

"Just what the hell are you two doing?" Nathan demanded, his arms crossed.

Ben looked down from the ladder he was standing on and waved. "Oh, good morning, Captain. Sorry, this was supposed to be finished before you woke up. It was a surprise. What do you think?"

Nathan laughed to himself. That was certainly a loaded question. "What in the world made you think it was okay to play Christmas carols over the PA system and transform the boat into…" He motioned towards the ceiling, searching for the proper words.

"A winter wonderland?" Lucas offered, standing atop a ladder as well.

Nathan shot him a look. "If that's what you'd like to call it. I call it a disaster!"

"Well, it is the first of December," Ben pointed out.

"So that gives you permission to destroy my boat?" Nathan replied. "Get down here right now, both of you."

"But, Cap, I-"

Nathan crossed his arms. "Now."

Lucas and Ben exchanged glances as they descended their ladders.

Once they were standing in front of him. "Now, whose idea was this?" Nathan kept his gaze focused on Ben, sure he'd influenced Lucas like he often did.

"Admiral Noyce, sir."

Nathan's brow rose. "You expect me to believe that Admiral Noyce contacted the two of you to make my boat a madhouse?" He shook his head. "That's pretty low to involve the admiral, even for you, Ben." He put his hands behind his back. "Now as for punishments, I want all this stuff removed immediately, starting with these blasted Christmas carols."

"But it's true, Cap," Lucas piped up.

Nathan turned to him. "What?"

"I was there," Lucas said.

Ben nodded. "Since I'm supply and morale officer, the admiral thought it was an excellent way to boost morale. Honest."

"If that's true, why didn't he let me know about this?"

Ben shrugged. "I really don't know. Maybe he didn't bank on you being upset about it." He paused and looked at the ceiling. "Do we really need to take all this down? We've been working all morning."

"No, but you won't be putting any more decorations up until I speak with the admiral myself, understood?"

"Aye, sir," they both muttered.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"…so he tried telling me you gave him permission. I know how Ben works, so really, this is just my way to assure you I won't be putting up with these types of shenanigans. I know the holidays are right around the corner, but that doesn't mean we don't have work to do. I-"

Bill held up his hands. "Nathan, I do appreciate your efforts, and I don't blame you for being suspicious, considering Krieg's past history. But this time, he's telling the truth."

Nathan's mouth fell open. "The…the truth? Why in the world didn't you run it by me?"

"Because honestly, I expected you to be the last person who'd have a problem with it. You know full well how much holiday activities boost morale. And considering some of the crewmembers won't be able to go home for the holidays, the brass insisted I handle it."

"I see," Nathan replied quietly, averting his gaze.

"Something wrong?"

Nathan looked up at his friend's face on the screen. "Of course not."

"I seem to remember a young sailor who was upset when he couldn't go home his first Christmas to be with his wife and newborn son. You remember how I cheered you up?"

Nathan smiled softly. "Yeah, you dragged me to some Christmas party where I didn't know anyone but you."

Bill laughed. "But we had a good time, didn't we?"

"What I can remember of it, yes," Nathan agreed. "I remember a hell of a hangover the next morning."

"Yeah, I recall that too," Bill said with another laugh. "But my point is, your crew needs this. You know as well as I that when morale is up, the work is too."

"I know, I know."

"So what's really wrong?" Bill pressed. "You forget how well I know you."

"Nothing; I just didn't get as much sleep as I wanted, that's all."

"Nathan, I don't believe you."

Nathan drummed his fingers against the vid-screen keyboard, thinking for a moment. Bill was going to find out sooner or later. "It's just…this is the first Christmas since Carol…"

"Oh… Oh, God, Nathan, I'm so sorry. I didn't even think… But you know, it's not like the others really knew either."

"Oh, I know that," Nathan replied. "It's just I didn't quite expect it."

"Are you going to be able to handle it?"

"I don't have a choice, now do I?" Nathan countered.

"Perhaps that Christmas cheer will change your mind. I suppose I'll let you go then?"

"Yes, there's work to be done," Nathan agreed. "Talk to you soon."

"Hang in there, Nathan," Bill replied as the screen went blank.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

So the Christmas carols were turned back on, and Ben and Lucas continued their decorating. Nathan, however, wasn't particularly thrilled. But Bill was right about one thing: it certainly did seem to boost the morale. Still, he tried to ignore all the festive activities for the time being.

By lunchtime, Nathan made his way into the mess hall, which was now full of tinsel, lights, ornaments, and even a tree. He groaned inwardly and made his way towards the table in the back, away from the others. As he took a bite of his sandwich, he heard a pleasant humming as Kristin sat down next to him. He instantly recognized the tune she was humming as  _Deck the Halls_.

"You look rather lonely over here," she commented.

"It's better now that you're here," he replied, trying to offer her a smile. "Don't tell me you're in the Christmas mood, too?"

"Oh, well, how can you not be?" she asked, motioning towards the decorations. "Didn't the boys do a lovely job? You should see the science labs."

"Maybe later," he replied, turning his attention back to his tray.

"Oh, don't tell me you're one of those?"

"One of whats?"

"A Scrooge or a Grinch," she replied, taking a sip of her coffee.

"No, I am not a Scrooge nor am I a Grinch. I just think it's a little early for the holiday cheer yet."

"Oh, well, you'd better embrace it. It's right around the corner, and we need to get used to spending time with one another. Definitely different than last year's Christmas."

"Last year," he said thoughtfully. "Just what did you do last year for Christmas?"

"Oh, well, it was just Cynthia and me, but we-" She stopped short when Nathan simply stood up, taking his tray with him. "That was odd," she muttered to herself. She gave a shake of her head, deciding she'd have to make a point to talk to him once they were both off-duty.


	2. Where Are You Christmas?

Kristin heaved a sigh as she gently knocked on the door to Nathan's quarters. She hadn't seen him at dinner, and she had the niggling feeling he might be upset with her, considering the way he'd left her mid-conversation during lunch. She waited for a few moments before knocking again.

On the third knock, Nathan stuck his head out. "Kristin? Is something wrong?"

She shook her head. "No, not exactly. I just didn't see you at dinner, and…" She paused, searching for the words. "I…I was just hoping we could talk…please?"

He gave a nod and opened the door to let her pass. "I wasn't very hungry for dinner," he explained as he shut the door behind her.

She immediately placed a hand on his forehead. "Are you feeling all right? You do feel a little warm."

He gently removed her hand. "I'm fine, really." He motioned towards the small sofa and moved to sit, only she didn't follow. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Are you upset with me?"

His brow furrowed. "Of course not. What gave you that idea?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact you asked me a question and then just walked away," she replied, folding her arms and lowering her gaze.

"I'm sorry I did that," he replied. "I've just had a lot on my mind lately."

She nodded. "I suppose I can understand that. Anything you'd like to talk about?"

He gave a shrug. "Not really; just captain stuff."

"Captain stuff, huh?" she repeated with a light laugh.

"Yeah; really nothing for you to worry about." He paused and eyed her for a moment. "How about this? Why don't we start where we left off? What did you do for Christmas last year?"

She shook her head and crossed the room absentmindedly. "I don't think you really want to hear it."

"Yes, I do," he replied.

Kristin happened to glance down at the desk where a photo album lay: pictures of a smiling, younger Nathan and his late wife. She startled when Nathan came over and closed it. She met his gaze, and a realization washed over. "I…I didn't realize…"

He waved a hand. "Now you know why I can't really get into the Christmas spirit. I don't really want to ruin everyone's good time either. It's just she died just a few weeks after Christmas last year."

She placed a hand on his shoulder. "I am so sorry."

He shrugged her hand away. "Don't be. It's not your fault." He moved back to the sofa.

" _Where are you, Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?"_

As the soft music played over the PA, Kristin eyed him carefully.

" _My world is changing; I'm rearranging. Does that mean Christmas changes, too?"_

She moved to sit next to him. "They say time heals everything."

"I don't need to hear clichés," he said with a shake of his head.

"Very well. Would you rather personal experience?"

He turned to look at her. "What?"

A sigh escaped her, almost afraid she'd said anything at all. "I can't possibly know what it's like to have your spouse taken from you by an act of God… But I do know what it's like to lose one. Charles and I…we'd been married for fifteen years when…" She looked down at the floor. "Well, you never asked how our marriage ended."

"You'd said that some men just can't handle a powerful woman."

"Defense mechanism," she muttered. "I…I was embarrassed. I still am. It was about a month or so before Christmas. Cynthia was away at a friend's house, and I had been away at a medical conference of some sort. I pulled some strings so I could get away early. Charles and I hadn't had much time together. Well, when I walked into the bedroom, I found him…and he wasn't alone." She did her best to keep her voice steady, but she knew she'd failed. "Obviously, after that, the holidays were extremely difficult. I mean, I did what I had to for Cynthia's sake, but I'd sit up at night bawling my eyes out."

"How…how did you get over it?"

Nathan's voice sounded so quiet, she'd nearly forgotten he was sitting next to her. She took a deep breath before answering, "It took me years to embrace it again, but I finally realized something…that even after all that time, I was still letting him have power over me. One day I just woke up and decided I wasn't going to spend my Christmas feeling sorry for myself anymore, that I had a great many people around me who loved me and wanted me to be happy. And I finally decided to show them I was." She turned to him, placing a hand on his arm. "And one day, you'll realize that too."

"I suppose," he replied.

Another moment of silence passed before Kristin spoke again. "Do you…do you want me to stay?"

He shook his head. "You don't need to. I think I'm just going to go to bed. It's…it's been a long day."

"All right, but if you need anything, don't hesitate to call."

"I won't," he promised.

She started towards the door when she had an afterthought. "Um, can I ask you one more thing?"

"Sure."

"The UEO Christmas party at the end of the month…I know we're all required to be there, and I was wondering…."

Nathan moved to place his hands on her shoulders. "I appreciate the offer, but I'm not sure I'm ready yet."

She nodded, trying to hide her disappointment. "I understand. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Kristin."


	3. Blue Christmas

Darwin woke from his slumber as he heard a familiar sound. He swam to the edge of the moon pool and peered over it. This was his favorite time of the morning: when Kristin came in and began setting up for the day. She was always the first one to arrive, and he always enjoyed the special alone time with her. After she did whatever she needed to do in the lab, she'd come over to him, coffee in hand, and talk to him. Usually, it was about the agenda for the day. He didn't always understand what she was saying, but he enjoyed the soothing sound of her voice, the warmth of her hand on his nose, and the sweet smile on her face.

As she flipped the switch on the wall, the multicolored lights hanging above the pool turned on. He squealed in delight. Lucas had told him about the meaning of these lights and this time of year, that this was something humans called Christmas. Well, Lucas explained there were several holidays people celebrated this time of year. Again, Darwin didn't quite understand the reasons why, but Lucas had told him that they all had one thing in common: that this was a time for everyone to show how much they care about one another by spending time together and by exchanging gifts.

Darwin didn't understand why in the world these silly humans would only do this once a year, but then again, he also knew how busy they were, how concerned they seemed to be with things that weren't very important. But then again, it didn't matter, he decided. Since Lucas had explained to him the premise of the holiday, he'd planned a gift for all his favorite people.

He watched Kristin move from one end of the lab to the other until she picked up her cup of coffee and walked towards the moon pool. He squeaked excitedly, getting the leftover fish that he'd caught earlier that morning; he was going to give it to her.

"Good morning, Darwin," Kristin said with a sigh, setting her cup down on the edge and moving to pet him.

Darwin dropped the fish, looking at her curiously. Something was different. Lucas had said this was supposed to be a happy time of year, only she didn't look happy at all. In fact, she looked near tears. He moved to nuzzle her hand in an effort to comfort her as a low, gentle tune played over the speakers.

" _I'll have a blue Christmas without you. I'll be so blue thinking about you…"_

"Exactly how I feel," she whispered, rubbing Darwin's head. "I just don't think this Christmas is going to be as happy as I thought."

Darwin watched her and squeaked quietly, hoping to get her to smile.

Instead she bent down to rub his head again. "Don't worry; I'll be fine. There's work to do; that should keep my mind off things. Have fun." She let out a sigh, picked up her cup, and walked back into the lab.

The dolphin watched her until she disappeared out of sight, shaking his head back and forth. No, something wasn't right. He wondered if Bridger was in a better mood. He decided to make his way to the bridge, knowing he'd be there.

When he stuck his head up over the edge of the pool there, he saw Nathan on the bridge alone, sitting in his chair, his face looking just as somber as Kristin's. He let out a whistle in order to get his attention. As expected, Nathan walked over to the edge, but he didn't smile. He did, however, reach out to pet him.

"Morning, old friend," Nathan muttered. "I'm sorry I haven't had much time to see you lately."

Darwin squeaked in response. It was true; Bridger had seemed distracted lately, just as distracted as Kristin and just as sad.

"I've got to get to work, but I'll try to see you later. Go on; have fun."

Darwin did as he was told, but he made a point to ask Lucas about this. Maybe he had misunderstood the meaning of this holiday after all.


	4. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

"What?" Lucas stared down at his mammalian friend, holding the vocoder in his hand.

"This hol-i-day. Not happy."

"No, of course it is," Lucas replied. "Don't you remember what I told you yesterday?"

The dolphin bobbed his head up and down. "Happy people smile."

Lucas laughed. "Usually, yes, but not always. Why?"

"Bridger not happy; Doctor Kristin not happy."

Lucas' brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Not happy," Darwin repeated matter-of-factly.

Lucas glanced towards the lab. He could see the doc through the window. She seemed pleasant enough when he'd greeted her this morning. He hadn't seen the captain yet today, but he'd seemed fine yesterday. Okay, maybe not fine, considering he didn't seem particularly happy about the Christmas music over the PA situation and the decorations, but he didn't seem sad. How could anyone be sad at Christmas? He turned back to Darwin. "Sorry, Dar, I think you're mistaken, but if it'll make you happy, I'll check." He turned the vocoder off and walked into the lab. He didn't see the doc anywhere and decided she must be in her office. He moved towards it and knocked gently on the doorframe.

She looked up from her laptop, giving him a smile. "Lucas, come in, please. What can I do for you?"

He shrugged and stepped inside. "I was just…" He paused. Could he really say that he heard some gossip from their talking dolphin about her? He wasn't sure. He pointed a thumb towards the moon pool. "It's just that Darwin seems to think you're not happy."

A brow rose. "Not happy?"

"Yeah. He says you looked sad earlier. I told him he had to have been mistaken…right?" He watched as the doctor lowered her gaze, and his heart sank. Maybe it wasn't a mistake after all. "Doc?"

She looked up and offered him a weak smile. "Darwin's more perceptive than you give him credit for," she replied quietly. "I was a bit sad earlier. You see, I won't be able to see my daughter this year for the holidays, and I was feeling a little down about it, that's all. But I'm fine now."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Doc."

She waved a hand. "It's all right. I'll see her soon."

"Well, we'll make sure you have a happy Christmas," he assured her.

"Thank you. Now I really hate to rush you along, but if there's nothing else…"

"Well, Darwin mentioned the captain too."

"The captain?"

He nodded. "Yeah, he said the captain looked sad as well. You didn't happen to notice anything, did you?"

She shook her head. "I wouldn't know anything about that. I suppose you'll need to ask him yourself."

"Yeah, maybe I will," he replied thoughtfully.

She nodded and turned her attention back to her screen. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off, hm?"

"You mean it?"

"Of course. There isn't much for you to do here. It's a bit slow. Go, have fun."

"Okay. Maybe I'll see you later?"

"Maybe. Have a good rest of your day."

"You too, Doc," Lucas replied as he left the room.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Once alone, she let out a sigh. Kristin hadn't wanted to lie to Lucas, but she felt it wasn't her place to tell him about Nathan. That was his business, and if word spread of his current attitude, she certainly couldn't prevent that. It was a small boat, and word always travelled fast. And when it came to her, well, she didn't lie exactly. It really was true that she wouldn't get to be with Cynthia this year. No, that wasn't the entire problem, either, but that wasn't the point.

" _Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light. From now on, our troubles will be out of sight…"_

She struggled to pull her thoughts away from her troubles. "A merry little Christmas, indeed," she muttered. She sighed once again and closed the lid of her laptop. There was something else on her agenda and perhaps now was as good a time as any. She crossed the room to the vid-link and entered the number. A smile pulled at the corners of her mouth when she saw the smiling face on the screen.

"Kristin? Well, this was certainly unexpected. I haven't talked to you since you sent me on my merry way."

She blushed. "I know, and I'm sorry I haven't called earlier. I thought you need time to get acquainted with Caesar. How is he, by the way?"

"He's fine. Better than fine, actually. I really should be thanking you. He's…the best thing that's happened to me in a long time."

"I'm really happy to hear that."

There was a bit of a pause before Malcolm spoke again. "So what can I do for you? Darwin's not sick again, is he?"

She shook her head. "No, nothing like that. Actually, I wanted to ask you if you had any plans for the twenty-second?"

Malcolm laughed slightly. "Well, considering I've got a six-year-old around, I try not to make plans that soon in advance."

She nodded. "Of course; I should have known better. Just forget I asked." Her hand hovered above the disconnect button when Malcolm stopped her.

"Wait a minute. I didn't mean it to sound so negative. Why do you ask?"

She sighed. "It's just that there's this UEO Christmas party coming up, and all the senior staff is expected to be there." She lowered her voice. "And I didn't want to go alone."

"Oh…but I thought you didn't want to be with me like that?"

"I don't intend to lead you on, if that's what you think. This would be strictly platonic," she assured him.

Malcolm eyed her for a moment. "You look tired."

"I don't see what that has to do with anything," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"I meant you look like you could use a break."

She stiffened. "What business is it of yours?"

"Tell you what. I'll strike a deal with you. You come visit the island this weekend, and I'll accompany you to the party?"

"No."

"No?"

"Malcolm, I can't just leave like that. And I already told you I don't intend on leading you on. If you don't want to accompany me to the party, that's fine. I'll just go by myself. Thank you for your time." She was about to disconnect the call when Malcolm stopped her again.

"Wait, I didn't mean to upset you. It's just Caesar's been asking about you. He remembers you, and he'd like to see you again. Not only that, I could use your help perfecting the program for him. What do you say?"

Kristin sighed. She did enjoy working with Caesar, and she'd do anything to help Malcolm.

Malcolm held up his hands. "I swear, no funny business."

She laughed. "All right, you've got a deal. I'll make the arrangements and get back to you."

"Fabulous! Caesar will be so excited."

She smiled. "You tell Caesar I'll see him soon. Thank you, Malcolm."

"Anytime, Kristin."


	5. My Favorite Things

"What are you up to?"

Lucas stopped short upon hearing Ben's voice. He backed up and saw Ben standing behind a large cart of boxes. "I could be asking you the same thing," he said with a smirk.

"Just some more Christmas supplies," Ben replied. "You busy?"

Lucas shook his head. "The doc gave me the rest of the day off. I was just deciding how to spend it."

"Well, how about you spend it helping me put these away?"

Lucas raised an eyebrow. "And why would I want to do that?"

"Because it won't take that long…and I'll make it worth your while," Ben replied, giving him a wink.

"Oh, no, you're not getting me wrapped up in another one of your scams."

"It's not a scam…well, not exactly."

Lucas sighed. "You're going to make me ask, aren't you?"

Ben held up his hands. "I'm not forcing you to do anything, but like I said, I'll make it worth your while."

"Fine," Lucas said. "What do you need?"

Ben handed him a box. "How do you feel about wearing tights?"

"I don't." Lucas dropped the box.

"But it's for the captain," Ben replied, opening the box to reveal an elf costume. "You noticed how grumpy he seemed yesterday, didn't you?"

"Yeah, because we woke him up with your annoying Christmas carols."

"No, and you said you thought the carols were a good idea."

"That was before I listened to a thousand different versions of  _Jingle Bells_. So what does this all have to do with the captain?"

"I'm assuming the holidays are not his favorite time of year, considering what happened to his family," Ben replied.

"Oh…" He ran a hand through his hair. "Now I feel like an idiot."

"Why?"

"Because Darwin tried to tell me there was a problem with the captain, but I didn't really believe him. I should have known better when he told me about the doc."

"The doc?"

"Yeah…apparently, she's feeling a little down since she won't be able to see her daughter for the holidays," Lucas told him.

Ben smiled. "That's why this plan is perfect. And you'd do anything for the captain and doctor, wouldn't you?"

"Anything but wear tights," Lucas replied.

"Would you rather be a reindeer?" Ben asked. "He's got a cute, fluffy tail and antlers."

"I think I'll pass. So what, we dress up as Santa and company to cheer everyone up?"

"Sort of, but I thought we could get the captain to be Santa."

Lucas shook his head. "That's not going to work."

"Sure it will. I've got the whole month. And you're going to help me."

Lucas sighed. "Well, I'm not opposed to cheering the crew up, but I am  _not_  wearing tights."

"I'm sure we can make a compromise, as long as you wear the ears and the hat."

"Fine, but how are we going to get the captain to agree?"

"Just sit back and watch the master at work," Ben said with a nod.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan would never say it out loud, but the Christmas cheer was definitely helping the crew. Unfortunately, it wasn't really helping him. He'd been trying; he really was, only everything reminded him of the past, and the memories were too painful. He needed a bit of a break, so he gave command of the bridge to Ford and went to check on the science labs.

As he stepped out of the mag-lev, however, he nearly bumped into Lucas. "Whoa, slow down there, kiddo."

"Sorry," Lucas muttered sheepishly. "I just wanted to get back to my room before anyone else stopped me."

"Your room? You're not working with Dr. Westphalen today?"

Lucas shook his head. "She gave me the day off; the lab's a bit slow right now, and there's not much to do. But Ben suckered me into helping him unload supplies. I'd like to enjoy my time off while I can."

"I see," Nathan replied. "Well, don't let me stand in your way."

"Well, actually, as long as you're here, can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

"What do you think the doc would like for Christmas?"

Nathan gave a shrug. "Lucas, I'm sure she doesn't expect a gift."

"I know, but she's been feeling a little down about not being able to be with her daughter for the holidays, and I wanted to do something for her to cheer her up."

Nathan's brow furrowed. "She told you that?"

"Well, not directly. Darwin noticed she looked upset and asked me about it; then I asked her."

Nathan gave a shake of his head. Why hadn't she mentioned it to him the night before? Well, he knew the answer to that, but he chastised himself for being so wrapped up in his own problems, he failed to notice hers.

"Cap?"

Lucas' voice pulled him back to reality. "What?"

"I asked if you had any ideas," the young man replied.

"Oh, I'm sure she'll like whatever you come up with." He patted his shoulder. "Good luck."

"Sure, thanks," Lucas replied before going on his way.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Why in the world didn't you tell me about your daughter?"

Kristin looked up from her laptop screen to see Nathan with his hands on his hips, concern written all over his face. "And hello to you too, Captain," she muttered. She crossed her arms over her chest. "I see you spoke to Lucas."

"Maybe, but that's not the point. Why did I have to hear it from him? Why didn't you say anything last night?"

"I think you know the answer to that," she replied quietly. "And I'm not distraught, so there's no reason to be up in arms."

Nathan sighed. "I still wish you'd have told me. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," she replied. "And really, I should be asking you the same thing."

"I'm…getting better," Nathan assured her, having a seat in the vacant chair in front of her desk.

She eyed him for a moment and while she didn't quite believe him, she wasn't going to question it. "I'm glad to hear it," she told him. "Now if there's nothing else, I-"

"What are these?" Nathan asked.

Kristin cringed. She'd forgotten that the shore leave forms were out in plain view. "Well, they're shore leave forms."

"I can see that," he replied. "I mean, what are they for? I thought you weren't going anywhere for the holidays?"

"Well, I wasn't planning on it, only something came up. It…it's just for this weekend."

"Why are you suddenly so nervous?"

She laughed. "I am not nervous."

"Where are you going?"

She hesitated. "I'm not sure why that's any business of yours."

"It's not, but I'm your friend, and I care about you. If you'd rather not tell me-"

"If you really must know, I'm going to work with Malcolm." She noticed how Nathan instantly stiffened at the mention of his name.

"I thought your work with him was finished?" he said with a frown, setting the papers back down on her desk.

"Something came up," she said again.

"I thought you were going to let me know if there was something else you needed on the boat."

She stood. "Nathan, please, I really don't have time for your little jealousy game."

"Game?" he said with a laugh. "I'm not playing a game. I'm just trying to figure out what it is you're doing. I can't believe you were planning on hiding this from me."

"I wasn't hiding anything, and in case you haven't forgotten, I am your CMO, nothing more. I really don't need to answer to you!" She hadn't meant to raise her voice, but Nathan was making it increasingly difficult to keep calm.

"Oh, really? Well, two can play at that game, Doctor!" He stood and walked towards the door. "Have a good time with Malcolm."

Kristin watched him storm off, feeling her own anger rise. She moved to close her door when she saw a few of her nurses standing nearby, whispering to one another. Oh, great; that meant it will have spread like wildfire around the boat by dinnertime. A brow rose. "Don't you ladies have work to do?"

They both muttered an apology and went on their way as Kristin closed the door, letting out a sigh. "Why did you have to go and do that?" she muttered to herself. "You knew he'd be upset when he found out."

She leaned her back against the door. "Of course you did. That's exactly why you did it." Indeed, she had wanted to shake him up a bit, but not quite this way. She was simply hoping he'd see what was right in front of him.

She walked to her desk and picked up the shore leave forms. "Maybe I should call Malcolm and cancel?"

" _When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad…"_

She shook her head. "No, I promised Caesar." She moved to sit back down in front of her laptop. "I'm sure Nathan will be fine later; he and I will have a nice long chat, and everything will be fine." Only she didn't sound very convincing.


	6. Do You Hear What I Hear?

"I heard there was quite the argument in the lab this afternoon," Ben said as he sat down next to Lucas at their usual table in the mess hall.

Commander Ford rolled his eyes. "And just where did you hear that?"

"From Phoebe, one of the nurses."

"So there was a little fight between two of the science personnel. Big deal. Bet they were fighting over the last test tube," Miguel said with a laugh.

"The big deal is  _who_ the argument involves," Ben replied. "And it was over something more than a test tube."

"All right," Katie replied. "I'll bite. So just who was involved in this argument?"

"A certain captain and a certain chief medical officer."

Lucas' brow furrowed. "The captain and the doc? What was the argument about?"

"She's got a little job planned for the weekend on Malcolm Lansdowne's island."

"Oh, I'll bet that went over like a lead balloon," Katie replied.

"Something like that," Ben replied. "Wish I could have been a fly on the wall. Phoebe says it was quite a scene."

"Guys, do you really think we should be gossiping like this?" Tim asked. He glanced to the corner of the room where Dr. Westphalen was sitting and instantly felt guilty, even though he hadn't said a thing. He wasn't sure if she could hear them, but it didn't feel right.

"We're not gossiping," Ben replied. "I'm simply sharing information."

"Don't you feel even the slightest bit guilty talking about the captain and doctor that way?"

Ben thought for a brief second. "Not really. We need to have something for entertainment around here. In a couple of days, someone else will be the topic of conversation."

Tim frowned as he picked at his salad. The conversation did shift away from the captain and doctor, much to his relief, but it didn't make him feel any better. He kept stealing glances at the doctor, and although she never looked up, he had the niggling feeling she was not as oblivious to the gossip as she seemed.

" _Do you hear what I hear? A song, a song high above the trees with a voice as big as the sea, with a voice as big as the sea…"_

As the others finished their meals and began to depart, Tim picked up his tray and made his way towards the doctor's table. He waited for her to look up from the book she was reading.

"Mr. O'Neill?" she said with a smile. "Something I can help you with?"

"You just look like you could use some company. Do you mind?"

She set her book down on the table and motioned to the seat across from her. "This wouldn't happen to be about what happened in the lab between the captain and me, would it?"

Tim felt his face grow warm. "I'm sorry about the others. I had a feeling you knew."

She waved off his apology. "I knew the moment it happened that everyone would talk. That's what always happens, isn't it? In a few days, it'll be old news."

"So you're not upset?"

"About the gossip? Not really. No, I don't particularly enjoy people talking about me, but it's not the first time. And it won't be the last"

"It still doesn't make it right," Tim replied.

She simply gave a shrug. "I think I have more important things to worry about."

"I have twenty minutes before I need to be back on the bridge," he offered.

She sighed. "Do you really want to listen to my troubles?"

"Why not? You've done it for me plenty of times before; I think it's only right I return the favor."

She was quiet for a moment, absentmindedly running her finger along the corner of her book. "It's just I think I've made a huge mistake."

"Why?"

"I…" She took a shaky breath. "Well, as you might imagine, the captain isn't having the easiest time with the holiday season."

"Oh, I see," Tim replied with a nod. "But that's not exactly your fault."

"No, perhaps not, but I…I did something I'm not particularly proud of. If you don't mind, I'd rather not share all the sordid details, but I wish I could take it back now."

"You and the captain have had disagreements before," Tim pointed out. "Have you tried talking to him?"

She shook her head. "I was hoping to see him here."

"In all the time I've known you and the captain, I've never seen you two stay angry at one another for very long. I'm sure everything will work out." He reached across the table and gave her hand a squeeze.

She offered him a smile. "I hope you're right."

"I'm sure I am."

"I suppose I should go and speak to him then. Thank you for your help, Tim."

"Anytime, Doc. Good luck."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin held her breath as she knocked gently on Nathan's door. He answered on the second knock.

"Come to rub Malcolm in my face some more?" he muttered bitterly.

"I guess I deserved that," she replied. "Could…could I come in, please?"

Nathan crossed his arms and leaned up against the door frame, not allowing her to pass. "That depends. Are you still going to see Malcolm this weekend?"

She rolled her eyes. "Would you stop being so stubborn? I came here to apologize, so please don't make this difficult."

"If you're here to apologize, then you admit you've done something wrong."

"Nathan, I-"

"Just answer the question. Are you still going to see Malcolm?"

"I made a promise," she said with a sigh.

"Then I think this conversation is over." He moved back inside and began closing the door.

Kristin, however, placed her hand on the door frame, preventing him from shutting the door all the way. "I don't think you're being very fair. If you'd just let me explain-"

"You don't owe me any explanation. You're just my CMO."

She instantly felt the painful prick of tears at the corners of her eyes and forced herself to swallow the lump that formed in her throat. "If that's the way you feel…"

"It is. You have a safe trip now. Goodnight, Doctor." And with that, he gently removed her hand and shut the door in her face.


	7. Christmas Is You

" _A Christmas without you, but I dream about you. A Christmas without you, a Christmas alone…"_

Nathan stood in front of the hologram image of Carol, the one where she wore the sweet smile he missed, and let out a sigh. "I can't believe she'd do this to me," he muttered. "She knew I was jealous about her seeing Malcolm the first time, which is why she told me she wouldn't go back there. And what does she do? Pulls a stunt like this. She is so stubborn and hardheaded. I just-" He stopped short. "Don't look at me like that."

Carol's image continued to smile.

"You don't think I'm being very fair, do you?" He sighed once again. "Well, maybe I haven't been as sensitive to her as I could be, but she knew what she was getting into. And maybe I'm being just as stubborn, but I think I have a right to be angry, don't you?"

Again, Carol's image remained the same.

"All right," Nathan said with a groan. "I'll talk to her in the morning."

Just then, there was a knock at his door. "Or maybe I'll talk to her right now," he said, turning the hologram off and moving to the door. "Lucas?"

"Mind if I come in?" the young man asked.

Nathan allowed him to pass. "What's on your mind, kiddo?"

"I just came by to apologize."

Nathan raised a brow. "Apologize? What for?"

"Because I didn't realize why the holidays aren't exactly your favorite time of year at first. I'm sorry about your family."

Nathan placed a hand on his shoulder. "I appreciate the sentiments, Lucas, but you really have no reason to be sorry; it's not your fault. Bad things happen in life sometimes. No, the holidays aren't my favorite time of year right now, but that'll change eventually. It doesn't mean you should feel guilty for enjoying the festivities."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. Why would you think otherwise?"

Lucas gave a shrug. "It's just you didn't seem very happy yesterday…"

"Because I was rudely awakened by the Muppets," Nathan said with a slight grin.

"And earlier with the doctor…"

"The doctor?"

"Yeah. I heard you two had an argument."

"Is nothing secret around here anymore?" he muttered.

"It's a small boat," Lucas said.

"So I've heard. Look, what happened between the doctor and me was just…a coincidence. It has nothing to do with the time of year, and I'm going to talk to her about it first thing in the morning."

Lucas shook his head. "I don't think that's going to be possible."

"Why not?"

"Because she left," Lucas said.

"What do you mean?"

"She stopped by my room a little while ago and said she was leaving earlier than expected, but that she'd be back next week. I thought you knew about it."

"Perhaps she tried to tell me, but I wouldn't let her," he said with a shake of his head.

"Well, it's not like she's staying away forever. She'll be back. You can talk to her then."

Nathan nodded quietly.

"So you're really okay?" Lucas asked.

"Of course," Nathan replied. "I'm just fine."

"Glad to hear it," Lucas said. "Well, I'd better get going. I just wanted to stop by and check up on you."

"Thanks. Uh, goodnight, kiddo."

"Goodnight."

When he'd left, Nathan gave a shake of his head as he turned on the hologram again. "Don't you dare say I told you so."

Carol smiled back at him.

"And stop giving me that look."


	8. I'll Be Home For Christmas

As soon as Kristin stepped off the launch, she was greeted with a hug around the waist. She looked down to see Caesar.

"I'm so happy to see you again, Kristin."

Kristin laughed, somewhat taken aback. The last time she'd seen Caesar, he wouldn't utter a single word, and now it was apparent he'd become very articulate in the just the few short months he'd been with Malcolm. "I'm happy to see you, too," she replied, returning the hug.

"Okay, Caesar, I think you can give Kristin a little breathing room, hm? Why don't you go upstairs and get into your pajamas, and I'll be up in a little while, okay?"

"But, Dad…"

Malcolm crossed his arms and gave him a look. "I let you stay up until Kristin got here, but now it's way past your bedtime. You'll see her tomorrow."

"And I promise we'll have lots of fun together," Kristin assured the boy while trying to keep a straight face.

Caesar gave a nod. "All right." He looked at Kristin. "Could I have a goodnight hug?"

"Of course, sweetheart," she said, bending down to wrap her arms around him. "Goodnight, dear."

"Goodnight." Caesar then obediently made his way into the house.

After the boy had disappeared into the house, Malcolm turned to her. "Well, what do you think?"

"I am very impressed. Then again, I knew you had enough charm to raise him. I can't believe how much he's talking already."

"He's certainly learned fast. And he's got me wrapped around his little finger."

"I wouldn't say that's such a bad thing," she replied with a smile. "Seems like you two make a good pair."

"I couldn't agree with you more," he said as he led her inside. "Um, just make yourself comfortable while I go get him to sleep. I won't be long."

She waved a hand. "Take your time." She then watched as Malcolm walked up the stairs and let out a sigh. As much as she enjoyed being with Malcolm and Caesar and being miles away from  _seaQuest,_ it didn't stop her worries. She did her best not to think about Nathan, but she couldn't help it. She wondered if he discovered she was gone by now and how he'd react. Could she expect a call from him any moment? Or would he act as if he didn't care?

She set her bag down on the floor and sat down on the sofa, hugging a throw pillow to her chest. She really couldn't decide which she wanted. She wanted this to be an enjoyable visit with Malcolm and Caesar and certainly didn't want it ruined by drama. But she also wanted to talk to Nathan and tell him that she only left to help Caesar. She wanted to assure him there was nothing romantic between Malcolm and her. Another sigh escaped her; she needed to stop thinking about all this, at least for the time being. She wouldn't be any use to Malcolm and Caesar this way.

"I told you it wouldn't be long."

Kristin jumped slightly upon hearing Malcolm's voice behind her.

"Sorry, were you asleep over there?"

She shook her head. "No, I was just lost in my thoughts. Just enjoying the quiet."

"I knew this would be good for you," he told her. "I am surprised you decided to come so soon, though."

She shrugged as she turned around to face him. "I told you I had an opening in my schedule. And I wanted a few extra days to ensure that we get the program working well enough for Caesar."

"Well, as you can tell, he's excited about it. Can I get you something? Are you hungry?"

"I'm not hungry, but maybe a cup of coffee?"

"Follow me," Malcolm told her as they entered through a nearby doorway into the kitchen. "I've also got hot chocolate."

"Oh, that sounds wonderful."

"With whipped cream?"

She laughed. "Now, you're just spoiling me."

"I think you deserve that once in a while."

She blushed. "I'm just going to enjoy it while I can."

Malcolm set the cup in front of her and then sat down across from her. He motioned to the family room where the Christmas tree was decorated and lit. "What do you think? Caesar had a wonderful time stringing the popcorn and hanging the ornaments."

"It's lovely," she replied. "It reminds me of Cynthia. Stringing the popcorn used to be one of her favorite parts of the holiday."

After a few quiet moments, Malcolm moved to a stereo system set up in the corner and began leafing through a shelf of CD's. "I think we need a little music," he explained as he put the disc in and pressed the play button.

" _I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me. Please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree…"_

"This is nice, isn't it?" Malcolm asked as he sat back down across from her.

She gave a quiet nod, only she suddenly felt that lump in her throat begin to grow. She wasn't sure if it was the music or the tree or that she was now regretting the fact she'd left without explaining things to Nathan. She tried to swallow it away to no avail and before she knew it, her eyes were brimming with tears. She hoped Malcolm didn't notice.

"Kristin?"

She shut her eyes tightly. "It...it's nothing," she choked out.

Malcolm turned the stereo off. "I didn't know the song would affect you like that."

She waved a hand and wiped at her eyes with her hands. "It…it wasn't the song. I think… It's just been a long day, and I'm really tired."

"All right. Let me show you to your room." Malcolm walked into the living room to pick up her bag and said, "Follow me."

She did so, following him down a hallway to the guest room. Malcolm turned on the light and motioned for her to step inside. "The bathroom's right across the hall, and you know where the kitchen is if you get hungry. And Caesar and I are upstairs."

She gave a nod. "Thank you."

"You sure you're all right?" he asked, eyeing her carefully.

"I'm fine, just tired," she replied. "Promise."

"Then I won't keep you. Sleep well, Kristin."

"You, too. Goodnight."

As soon soon as he left, she changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed, hoping that sleep would come quickly so she could forget about her awful day.


	9. Stille Nacht

 As the days passed, Kristin found out exactly why Malcolm needed her help. While Caesar had made a great many improvements in the past few months, he was still plagued by nightmares of his birth parents and whatever had happened to him in his homeland.

However, with Kristin's help, they started working with him immediately the next day; even though Malcolm had worked with Caesar extensively, Kristin did her best to iron out the small details in the program. And adding an extra swim with the dolphins after dinner seemed to help Caesar calm down greatly. Although she'd never voice it out loud, there was a part of her that was glad Caesar and Malcolm kept her occupied since that kept her mind off of Nathan.

As her trip was nearing its end, however, Caesar became more relaxed and that meant more free time for her. While Malcolm was busy putting him to bed, she decided to go outside for a bit of fresh air. She walked down the path to the beach; the night air was warm and the sound of the waves lapping onto the shore was calming.

She took a deep breath as her thoughts drifted to the crew. She hadn't spoken to any of them since she'd left and felt a sudden pang of guilt because of it. She'd actually intended to do so, had even dialed the number a few times only to hang up before it actually rang. The truth was, she was afraid, and she found denial a much safer place for the time being. But now that Caesar was doing better and she had more time on her hands, she debated going back inside and trying the vid-link.

Then again, she was sure everyone was busy. And Nathan could have very well called her. Since he hadn't, she was sure he was still angry. Would he even speak to her when she returned? She wasn't looking forward to the awkward conversation, and a slight chill ran through her at the thought, despite the warm night air.

"Here you are."

She turned around to see Malcolm. "It's a lovely night," she commented.

"Yeah, it is. I'm sorry you haven't gotten more time to enjoy it out here."

She gave him a small smile. "What are you talking about? I've had a wonderful time here. A part of me is almost sorry I'm leaving tomorrow."

Malcolm took a few steps closer to her. "A part of me is almost sorry you're leaving tomorrow, too. I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for Caesar."

"It was really no trouble. I'd have come to help whether we had a deal or not, by the way."

"That means a lot to hear you say that," he replied with a smile.

A comfortable silence fell around them as they watched the waves shining in the moonlight.

"Now are you going to tell me what else has been bothering you?"

Kristin turned to him. "What?"

"I've noticed how quickly your smiles fade. I've heard you crying in your room." He let out a sigh. "And I can't help but notice how you clam up at the slightest mention of Nathan."

She turned her eyes towards the water again. "I don't…" She stopped when she felt his hand on her shoulder.

"Look, I won't push you to talk if you don't want to, but I just wanted you to know I'm here if you need." He then gave her shoulder a squeeze and turned to walk away.

"Wait, please."

Malcolm stopped and turned back to her.

"I…I'm sorry." She ran a hand through her hair. "I…I don't even know where to start."

"The beginning is usually a good place," he said, giving her a grin. He then held out his hand to her. "Why don't we go back inside and talk?"

She thought for a brief moment and then accepted his hand, allowing him to lead her back inside.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

" _Stille nacht, heilige nacht. Alles schläft; einsam wacht…"_

"…and now I don't know what to do," she said. She'd just spent the last half hour pouring her heart out to Malcolm; he'd put the stereo on again, and the music was somewhat relaxing. "I really am sorry about his wife, but…I can't wait around forever. Do…do you think I'm being selfish? I really am trying to be patient, but he's…he's sent me some mixed signals lately. I just…I wish I knew what he was thinking."

Malcolm placed a hand over hers. "I don't think you're being selfish to want some answers."

"But he thinks I came here for a romantic tryst…and I didn't try very hard to convince him otherwise. That's the reason I came here so soon…to get away. I…I didn't mean to use you, but…I just couldn't stay there another minute."

"It's all right, really."

She shrugged. "And if Nathan decides he hates you, it'll be all my fault."

Malcolm smiled. "I don't think he'll hate me; we've had this problem before."

"What?"

"I dated Carol first," he said. "Unfortunately, she only saw me as a friend, nothing more. Women always did seem to like Nathan more."

She blushed. "I am sorry."

"Don't be," he replied. "I think I was more infatuated with you anyway. Plus, you're right; I'd have made you choose between me and your work eventually, and that wouldn't have been fair to you."

Kristin ran her nails along the side of her coffee cup in thought. "Before Carol passed, how often did she and Nathan come here?"

"Oh, all the time," Malcolm replied. "We spent every Christmas together."

She raised an eyebrow. "Really? Including last Christmas?"

Malcolm nodded. "Did you want to see pictures?"

"Um, maybe later. What about…what about after?"

"After? Everything changed," Malcolm replied quietly. "Nathan…he just wasn't the same anymore. He shut everyone out, including me. It's only been in the past several months since he's taken over command of the  _seaQuest_ that things have been different."

She nodded. "Until the holiday festivities began. I just…wish there was a way to get him to see things differently. I understand he's still grieving, but…"

"Well, the first thing you need to do is talk to him."

She sighed. "It's a bit difficult when he doesn't want to talk to me."

He gave a shrug. "You were both angry, but now you've both had time to think."

"I suppose. I guess I'm just…afraid," she admitted.

Malcolm stood and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I understand that, but you're not going to know any other way. I think I'll go up to bed so you can think…unless there's something else?"

"No, I suppose not. I appreciate you listening."

"Anytime, Kristin. If you need anything else, you know where to find me."

She nodded. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he replied before leaving the room.

Kristin took a deep breath and walked towards the vid-phone. Her hand shook slightly as she dialed the number. A moment later, she saw a familiar face, only it wasn't who she expected. "Mr. O'Neill?"

"Dr. Westphalen? What a surprise. How's your shore leave going?"

"Oh, just fine, thank you. Um, is the captain available?"

Tim hesitated. "It's the middle of the night here; I'm on the night shift this week."

"Oh…oh, dear. I didn't realize…"

Tim waved a hand. "We're currently on patrol off the east coast of Africa right now. We'll be turning back towards the Caicos in a few hours, though, to meet up with you tomorrow."

She nodded quietly.

"Was it an emergency? I could wake him if you needed…"

She shook her head. "No, I just…wanted to confirm a launch time for tomorrow. I would have called earlier had I known."

"Oh, I can check for you." He typed something into his computer. "Thirteen hundred hours."

"Thirteen hundred; got it. Thank you."

"No problem. You sure there was nothing else?"

She shook her head. "No, I just wanted to say hi, but I'll see you all tomorrow."

"Looking forward to it, Doc. You have a good night now."

"You, too, Tim."

As the screen went blank, Kristin let out a sigh. "Perhaps it's better to talk to him in person anyway." She only hoped it would be a happy reunion.


	10. Teddy Bears

Kristin felt her breath catch in her throat the minute she stepped onto the docking bay. Part of her expected to see Nathan standing there to greet her, only that wasn't the case. She gave a slight shake of her head. Of course Nathan wouldn't be there. It was midday, and she was sure he was busy on the bridge.

"Welcome back, Doc," Chief Crocker greeted her. "Did you have a good time?"

"Thank you, Chief," she replied pleasantly. "It was lovely, but I'm glad to be back."

"We're glad to have you. It's been a bit lonely around here without you."

Kristin was about to ask him exactly what he meant, but his PAL unit beeped, so he gave her a wave and walked to his station to answer it.

She adjusted the strap of her bag on her shoulder and made her way to her room. On the way, she kept an eye out for Nathan, in case he was making his rounds, but she didn't see him. In fact, she didn't see anyone, save for a few ensigns she didn't know by name. She gave a friendly wave and they did the same, but that was the extent of their interaction.

One thing she did notice, however, was the decorations. Well, more like an addition to the decorations. Traditional holly was hanging over every doorway; she remembered it being that way when she left, but there was no mistletoe. Nestled into every bunch of holly was a teddy bear. They were dressed in holiday attire, but she never saw teddy bears as traditional Christmas symbols. No, she didn't mind the bears; they were pleasant to look at, but it was more of a curiosity. She'd have to ask the others about this when she got the chance.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Darwin had been thinking long and hard about Christmas gifts for his favorite people. He'd been on the lookout for the best seaweed, the shiniest stones and shells, and the tastiest fish. However, he knew his humans well; he'd observed them carefully and noticed they liked things they could use. He'd never seen Bridger using a piece of seaweed for anything practical. And he'd never seen Lucas doing anything with shells or stones. He had wanted to keep this a surprise, but he decided he was going to need help.

So when Darwin saw Lucas coming towards the moon pool, he clicked excitedly. That was exactly who he needed.

Lucas picked up the vocoder, giving him a grin. "I know I've been busy this week, but you act like you haven't seen me in ages."

"Darwin need help."

"Help? What's wrong? Are you hurt?" He immediately began looking him over.

Darwin shook his head back and forth. "Help with presents."

"Presents? You mean for Christmas?"

Darwin nodded. "Humans not like dolphins. Need something they can use."

"That's very thoughtful of you, Darwin, but I really don't think-"

"Darwin give presents!" he insisted, slapping a fin on the surface of the water to make his point.

"Okay, okay," Lucas said, wiping the water off his face. "Did you have something in mind?"

"Something pretty."

Lucas laughed. "We'll see what we can do."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

When Kristin made her way to the mess hall for dinner, she quickly scanned the room for Nathan. She had hoped he might stop by her room when he got the chance, but he never did. Unfortunately, she didn't see him, but she did see the rest of the senior staff waving her over to their table.

"Welcome back, Doc," Ben said, motioning to the chair next to him.

Kristin obliged, having a seat. "Thank you, Mr. Krieg. I trust things were fine while I was gone?" She glanced at Lucas expectantly.

"Everything in the lab was just fine," he promised. "We didn't blow anything up."

She laughed. "That's a relief."

"Did you have a good time?" Katie asked.

"I suppose so, but I missed you all."

"Same here, Doc," Ben replied. "Hasn't been the same around here without you."

As the others spoke up, sharing the highlights of the past week, Kristin kept eyeing the door, hoping to see Nathan walk through any minute, only it didn't happen. She also noticed the fuzzy, brown teddy bear wearing a red and green scarf and hat nestled into the holly above the doorway. She finally turned to Ben. "All right, I have to ask. Why all the teddy bears? It wasn't like this last week, was it?"

"I guess that's sort of my fault," Katie said with a laugh. "It's sort of an inside joke."

"Well, don't keep me in suspense," Kristin encouraged.

"Ben and I met around Christmastime when we were both attending the Academy."

"And I took her to the Academy Christmas Ball," Ben added. "And I was so nervous."

"We hadn't had our first kiss yet, and all the mistletoe around didn't help," Katie said. "Well, I could see how nervous he was, so I got some of my girlfriends together and we took the mistletoe down. Instead, we hung up teddy bears because teddy bears don't make anyone nervous. No one can be afraid of a bear hug."

"It certainly put my mind at ease. So teddy bears have always been sort of a Christmas tradition," Ben explained. "I'd forgotten all about it until Katie reminded me."

"I thought the teddy bears would help lighten the mood around here," Katie said. " We even made up a song.  _Teddy bears on the ceiling, teddy bears on the walls, teddy bears to ring the season, teddy bears to deck the halls. Teddy bears to hug you under, teddy bears to hold you tight. Bears instead of mistletoe to make the season bright. Teddy bears to make you happy. Teddy bears; ho, ho, ho. Hang teddy bears at Christmas instead of mistletoe."_

Everyone laughed.

"Hey, it worked because by the end of the night, I got my kiss," Katie replied with a smile. "I only wish more people would take my advice." She then leaned over to whisper in Kristin's ear. "I think the bears will help you too. Don't think we haven't noticed the tension between you and the captain. Just pull him under the holly and give him a hug."

Kristin felt her face grow warm as she turned to look at her. She opened her mouth to speak, only she wasn't sure what to say.

Katie placed a hand on her shoulder, giving her a warm smile. "Don't worry; I think he missed you too."

Kristin glanced at the men; she was grateful that they seemed oblivious to the girl talk. "I was hoping he'd be here…" she replied, matching Katie's tone.

Katie shrugged. "But you know where to find him. I'm sure he's waiting for you."

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Kristin didn't say much for the rest of the meal, for obvious reasons. In fact, she quickly finished her sandwich and then excused herself. Apparently, she was going to have to make the first move, knowing full well Nathan was locked away in his room. If he indeed missed her, why was he hiding?

Once she'd found herself standing outside Nathan's door, she looked up to see yet another teddy bear. "Well, Mr. Bear, wish me luck," she muttered as she raised her hand to knock.

"Kristin?" Nathan said when he opened the door. "I was just on my way to find you."

She wasn't sure if she believed that, but she didn't question it. "Guess I beat you to the punch. Could I come in?"

"Of course," he replied, allowing her to pass. "I…I had meant to call you."

"I wish you would have. I…I didn't like the way things were left. That's why I came here to-"

Nathan held up a hand. "Don't say it. You don't need to apologize since you didn't do anything wrong.  _I'm_ the one who should be sorry. You are a grown woman and have the right to do what you like; you can date whomever you want-"

"Nathan, I don't think you understand."

"Kristin, please, hear me out. What I'm trying to say is that if you want to see Malcolm, that is your right, and all I want is for you to be happy. I'm sorry for acting childish."

She let out a groan. "I'm not seeing Malcolm."

Nathan raised a brow. "What?"

"I went to Malcolm's island to help him with Caesar. Although he's made a remarkable improvement, he still has awful nightmares. I only went there to help him and to give Malcolm a hand, nothing more," she said quietly.

"Why didn't you just tell me to begin with?"

"I tried, but you made it a little difficult."

Nathan shook his head. "If you'd have just told me right away you were doing it for Caesar, I wouldn't have been so upset, and you know it. Why did you lie?"

"I didn't lie. I just didn't say."

"A lie of omission is still a lie," he pointed out. "If we're going to work this out, I need some answers."

" _You_  need some answers?" She tried to keep her voice steady, only she failed. "I…I have been more than patient with you. You asked me to stop seeing Malcolm, so I did."

Nathan held up his hands. "I never asked."

"No, of course not. You just acted like a spoiled child who couldn't share his playthings," she shot back, crossing her arms over her chest. "My point is, you let me know you were interested. Well, if you must know, the feeling is mutual. But ever since then, you haven't made the slightest move."

"I don't want to rush things," he replied.

"I don't expect you to rush things and I…I've tried to be patient with you, but-"

Nathan laughed slightly. "You call this patient? You knew full well what you were doing. You didn't tell me about Caesar because you were trying to make me jealous, and you know it. Why the hell would you do that, knowing I was having a difficult time?"

"Because I was trying to get you to wake up and see what's right in front of you!" A soft cry escaped her throat as her tears began to flow. "I'm sorry she's gone," she said, motioning towards Carol's photo on the shelf, "but  _I'm_  right here. Can't you see that?" She turned from him, covering her mouth to stifle her cries. She shook her head. She wasn't going to let him see her like this. She took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "I…I think this conversation is over." And she quickly fled from the room, shutting the door behind her.


	11. Merry Christmas, Darling

"Damn it." Nathan flung open the door. "Kristin, please," he called to her back, only she made no attempt to stop. She promptly walked down the hall to her own room, slamming the door behind her.

He ran to follow her and knocked loudly. "Kristin, please, open up. Let's talk about this."

"Just go away, please!"

Nathan could hear the tears in her voice. That was the last thing he wanted, to make her upset. He made one attempt in trying to get her to listen to him. "Kristin, I'm sorry. Don't do this."

"I…I'm sorry too," she replied, her voice thick. "But I think we both need some time away from each other. Perhaps tomorrow will be different."

Nathan let out a sigh; this isn't what he wanted, but he had little choice. "All…all right. Sleep well now." As he walked away, he could hear her soft sobs, and it broke his heart. How was he going to fix this?

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Ben barged into the gym, glad to see that Katie was alone. "What was that all about?"

Katie turned off the treadmill and looked at him. "What are you talking about?" she asked, dabbing at her neck with a towel.

"At dinner," Ben replied. "Is it my imagination, or did we have a moment? It's just I can't remember the last time you spoke to me without throwing some sort of insult at me."

"A bit of the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?"

Ben held up his hands. "I just give it back because…"

"It's what we've always done?" Katie offered.

"Yeah, I guess. So why were you being so nice to me?" His eyes then grew wide. "I'm not dying, am I?"

Katie laughed. "Not that I know of. I just decided to turn over a new leaf. Talking about old times the other day got me thinking about how we used to be."

"Whoa, Katie, I don't think I want to get back together."

"And I wasn't offering," she told him. "Look, even though you're a smart aleck, immature, a trouble maker, and you get on my nerves-"

Ben placed a hand on her shoulder. "I certainly hope there's a but coming."

"There is," she said with a light laugh. "But when the going gets tough, you've always been there for me. The teddy bears reminded me of that. Even though we had a lot of bad times, we had a lot of good times too."

Ben smiled. "Yeah, we did. Uh, listen, about the Christmas party coming up…did you want to go with me…you know, just as friends?"

"Who says I don't already have a date?"

Ben's smile faded. "I see."

"Tell you what, I'll save you a dance," she said, giving him a wink.

"Deal," he said, his smile returning.

Katie moved her hands to straighten his collar. She then pulled it tight enough to make it uncomfortable. "But I swear, if you pull any sort of prank on me, I'll make you pay for it, got it?"

"How…how did you know?" he choked out.

She released him then. "Oh, please, Ben, you forget I know you better than anyone. I don't know what you're planning, but I know you're planning something." She eyed him carefully. "Aren't you?"

"Um…I plead the fifth…"

"That's what I thought. Like I said, you better keep me out of it."

"All right, all right. I promise." He sighed. "Well, I guess I won't keep you anymore. I just wanted to know what was going on. I can't say I'm disappointed, though."

"Me either," she said. "See you later."

"Later." Ben then turned to leave when Katie called back to him.

"Don't forget we'll always have teddy bears."

He laughed. "You bet."

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Back in his room, Nathan stared at the hologram image of Carol. "What am I going to do now?"

"… _Merry Christmas, darling. We're apart, that's true. But I can dream and in my dreams, I'm Christmas-ing with you…"_

"How ironic," he muttered, letting out a sigh. "It's just…I never expected to meet anyone else after you, but she came along… And I thought I was ready except the holiday creeping up on me threw a wrench in that. All I can think about is you…and how afraid I am of losing her the same way."

Carol simply smiled back at him.

"And I know I should be telling her this, but it's a little difficult when she won't talk to me; I guess I can't blame her, though. I don't think either of us will get much sleep tonight because of it." He glanced at his watch. It had only been about an hour since Kristin had left. "You don't think I should try again, do you?"

Of course, Carol didn't answer, but Nathan couldn't help but wonder what she'd say if she were. After some mental debate, he walked over to his bunk, picking up his PAL unit on the bedside table. She'd have to answer that; she didn't have a choice. He pressed the proper button and waited.

"Westphalen."

Although she sounded calmer, Nathan could hear the emotion in her voice. "Please, don't hang up."

"Nathan, why can't you just let it be for the night? Haven't you done enough already?"

"Because I don't think I can possibly sleep with the way things are, and neither can you. Considering we both need to work early in the morning, I thought I'd save us both a lot of trouble. Can we talk, please?"

"We tried that already, remember?"

"When you fall off a horse, you're supposed to get back on," he pointed out.

She sighed. "I'd rather you didn't see me right now."

"I understand, but what are we doing now?"

"What?"

"We're talking…civilly. There's no reason we can't talk this way."

"I don't-"

"Please? I'm not saying we need to talk everything out, but I…I couldn't go to sleep without making sure you were all right."

She hesitated. "I…I'll live."

"I don't think I believe you. If we're going to talk, we need to be honest. Let's try this again. Are you all right?"

"I…don't know."

"Why not?" he pressed.

"Because my emotions are all over the place. I don't even know if I'm thinking straight. I just wish…"

"You wish what?"

"You're not making this very easy."

"I'm not?"

"I don't think this is going to work."

"Why not? We're not yelling; I think that's an improvement."

"Look, I'm not angry with you, so you can put your mind at ease. Get some sleep. Like you said, we both need to get up early in the morning, and I-"

"Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Close your eyes," he said again.

"Nathan, why can't you just listen to me?"

"That's exactly what I'm going to do, but I need you to do what I say…please?"

Another sigh escaped her. "All right."

"Are they closed?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now I want you to tell me what you feel. What's in your heart? What do you want?"

"I don't think we have that kind of time."

"You're avoiding the question again, and I think you know full well what I'm referring to. What is it you want from me?"

A few minutes passed. "I…"

"Yes?" he encouraged.

"Well, I wish you'd be more intimate with me…and I'm not talking physically intimate. I wish…I wish I knew what you were thinking most of the time. What's in your heart? What is it you want from me? And why do you keep going around in circles? It…it's extremely exhausting, and…it hurts. I've never liked these sorts of games."

"Kristin, I…I am truly sorry for hurting you. And you're right; I've been playing games. Not intentionally. It just…happened. As to what's in my heart…well, I care about you deeply."

"You have a funny way of showing it sometimes."

"I know, and again, I'm sorry. I…I'd like to take our relationship to the next level, but I need a little more time."

"I'm not going anywhere," she assured him.

"So you're all right with that?"

"As long as we communicate. I can't keep doing this."

"I know, and I'd rather not do this either. Maybe we can talk a bit more tomorrow, face to face?"

"I'd like that…as long as there's no arguing."

"I think we can arrange that," Nathan promised. "Get some sleep."

"You, too," she replied. "Goodnight."


	12. Believe

Nathan woke up very refreshed the next morning. He wasn't sure what it was, but there was a spring in his step. He even found himself humming along with  _Carol of the Bells_ , somewhat taken aback by his own enthusiasm. Was it possible he was actually…happy?

Happy wasn't the word, he decided. This was still a difficult time of year, but perhaps it was the conversation from the night before that put him more at ease. Contented, perhaps?

He glanced towards the framed photograph of Carol on the shelf. "You wouldn't happen to know why I feel so alive this morning, would you?" He walked to the shelf, taking the photo in his hand. "You know I miss you terribly, sweetheart."

He let out a sigh and his fingers over her smiling face. "But I suppose it's not such a bad thing to make an effort to enjoy myself, right?"

As if the universe had waved its hand, the tune playing over the PA seemed to sum it up.  _"…There's so much to celebrate. Believe in what you feel inside. Give your dreams the wings to fly. You have everything you need, if you just believe…"_

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"What are your plans for tomorrow?"

Lucas turned around to see Ben. He swallowed the piece of toast he'd been chewing. "Why?"

"Because I thought tomorrow should be the day," Ben told him, lowering his voice. "And don't worry. All I need  _you_  to do is provide a distraction."

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

Ben placed a hand on his shoulder. "Show off those genius computer skills. You'll think of something."

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As Nathan walked into the ward room, he smiled to himself, noticing the decorations hung around the room. Even the Christmas tree in the corner looked lovely. Someone had decorated it with fish and seashells, something he found very fitting.

As he watched the members of the senior staff walk in, he noticed one person who hadn't arrived yet: Kristin. He glanced at the clock; she had a few minutes, but she normally was very punctual; early for everything, in fact. But as 0900 hours rolled around, he had little choice but to start the meeting without her. Fortunately, there wasn't a lot to discuss. "Good morning, people. This shouldn't take long. Routine business, as usual. After that, I'll be handing the floor over to Mr. Krieg for-"

At that moment, the door opened, and Kristin walked in, her cheeks bright red. "Sorry I'm late," she muttered before taking her seat.

Nathan eyed her carefully. The first thing he noticed was her eyes; they looked bloodshot and she had dark circles underneath of them. His eyebrows knitted together in worry. Was she still upset? He thought they'd cleared things up very nicely; he'd have to ask her about it as soon as he got a free moment. "It's quite all right," he said, before clearing his throat. "As I was saying, routine business, and then Mr. Krieg has something he wants to share."

After each senior staff member gave his or her weekly reports, Ben put on a grin and stood in front of the table. He passed around a bucket filled with tiny pieces of paper. "This is for the holiday gift exchange," he explained. "Gifts will be exchanged at the Christmas party on the twenty-second. Any questions?"

No one spoke up as they all chose their names.

"Oh, and of course, it should be kept a secret," Ben reminded.

After everyone was finished, Nathan said, "If there's nothing else then, meeting adjourned." As the others began to file out of the room, Nathan placed his hand on Kristin's arm. "I was wondering if you had a few minutes, Doctor?"

"I'm terribly sorry about being late," she said again. "I just…had a bit of trouble getting started this morning."

Nathan waved a hand. "I'm not going to reprimand you. No harm done. I just can't help but notice you look a little…peaked. Are you all right?"

She gave him a small smile. "I'm fine. As I said, I just had a little trouble waking up, but it's nothing a cup of coffee won't fix."

He didn't quite believe her, especially when he noticed how quickly her smile faded. "I was just checking. I was thinking about our little get-together tonight…what do you say we meet in the galley after dinner? I thought we could get some dessert."

She bit her bottom lip, as if she suddenly wasn't sure this was a good idea. However, she gave a nod. "All…all right. I'll see you then. But if you'll excuse me, I really need to be in the lab."

"Of course. See you then."

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Nathan waited patiently for Kristin. He had fresh coffee, and he'd rustled them up some grasshopper cheesecake, something he hadn't had in ages. The only problem was, she seemed to be a bit late. To be fair, they hadn't set an exact time, but he'd seen her in the mess hall at dinner. She'd waved to him and gave him a pleasant smile. Surely, she didn't forget, did she?

He was about to page her on the PAL when she rushed through the door. "I'm sorry I'm late."

"Seems to be a habit of yours today," he said, giving her a smile.

She didn't seem to notice, however, as she sat down, sighing dejectedly. "I know, I'm sorry," she said again.

Nathan couldn't help but notice she refused to meet his gaze. "Kristin?"

"It's just…" She took a deep breath. "I've been spending the day trying to convince myself this was a good idea."

"Isn't it? We did so well last night."

"I know…that's why I almost didn't show up."

"Why in the world not?"

"Because I…I don't want to argue again. And with you having a hard time with the holidays, I was thinking it might be best to-"

Nathan reached over and placed his hand on hers. "No, that wouldn't be best."

She picked an imaginary piece of fuzz off her shirt, still refusing to look at him. "I did a lot of thinking after our talk…"

"So did I, but this is just you and me. There's nothing to be afraid of. You can look at me, you know?"

He saw her risk a look and noticed the fear in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just…"

"What was your happiest Christmas?"

Her brow furrowed as she turned to look at him. "What?"

"You've already told me your worst Christmas. I thought we'd go the other way tonight." He paused. "As I said, it's just you and me, talking."

She smiled, this time a real, genuine smile. Nathan noticed her relax. "That's a tough one. Are you going to share yours?"

"I asked you first," he told her. He then pushed her plate of cheesecake towards her. "And I thought you'd like this."

"It looks good," she replied, taking a bite. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome," Nathan said, following suit. "Now, your happiest Christmas."

She thought for a few minutes. "I'd say it was when I was in the first year of my residency. Cynthia was just a baby then, and Charles was away at a political conference."

"He left his family alone on Christmas?"

"He was actually pretty broken up about it at the time. He had tried to get out of it, but he couldn't. Well, at least Mummy and Daddy were with me, as well as James. It was really the last time we were all together before…" Her voice trailed off as she lowered her gaze. "I'm sorry; we were supposed to be sharing happy memories, weren't we?"

"It sounds like it was happy. You don't need to apologize."

She gave him a gentle smile as she picked up her coffee cup. "I do believe it's your turn," she said before taking a sip.

"Robert was two. I'd gotten home late the night before; he was in bed. And he woke up that morning and padded into our bedroom…and he was just so excited. I don't think he left my side that whole week. And of course, Carol loved having me home."

She gave a quiet nod. "I…I wish the holidays weren't so difficult for you now."

Nathan shook his head. "I think I'm coming around. It…it was a rude awakening, but…I don't know. I feel differently about it all now. Of course, I still miss them, but…well, I think it's the company. It doesn't mean I won't have a few bad days, though."

"I think that's all of us," she replied. "And you can't expect to change overnight."

"No, but I hope I can depend on the rest of you to keep me in line." He gave her a wink.

She laughed. "I'll see what I can do."

"I'll bet you're not afraid anymore, are you?"

She shook her head. "Not at all. This…wasn't quite what I expected. I was worried we'd…"

"Be at each other's throats?"

"Yes, but I like this much better."

"Likewise. And I think if we can continue doing this, we'll get through this little rough patch…together." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Um…about the Christmas party…"

"Yes?"

"I…I know I said I wasn't ready, but…"

"Oh, dear," she muttered. "Nathan, I…I'm sorry, but I've already asked Malcolm." She put up a hand. "But before you say anything, it's strictly platonic. I just…I didn't want to go alone. You know rubbing elbows with the brass isn't my favorite pastime."

He nodded. "I understand. I…I suppose I shouldn't have turned you down when I did."

"I'm sure I can save you a dance or two," she told him.

"I'd like that," he said with a smile.


	13. Angels Among Us

As Kristin made her way back to her quarters, she found herself feeling a bit guilty having to turn Nathan down; she'd noticed the dejected look in his eyes when she'd told him about Malcolm. She gave a shake of her head. He'd been trying so hard to try to get into the holiday spirit, despite all the setbacks, and she was sure that didn't help him at all.

Not only that, she felt as though she'd lost some of the holiday spirit herself. Oh, it was lovely sharing some old memories, but it only made her realize how much she missed her family. Her family was extremely important to her, even though it had gotten much smaller over the years. And not seeing her daughter this year for the holidays was starting to tug at her heart more than she liked.

As soon as she rounded the corner, she bumped right into Katie.

"I…I'm so sorry," Kristin said. "I…I didn't expect…"

Katie placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's perfectly all right. No harm done." She paused for a moment, eyeing the older woman. "Are you all right?"

"Oh, yes, I'm fine. Just a bit startled; I suppose I picked the wrong time to be deep in thought. Where are you off to?"

"Ben's still on his morale kick, and he invited a group of us to watch  _It's A Wonderful Life_. If you're not busy, you should come."

"Oh, I don't know. I…"

But Katie shook her head. "Unless you have a good excuse, no is not an option."

Kristin bit her bottom lip. She really hadn't any reason not to go. In fact, if left to her own devices, she'd probably go back to her room and wallow in sorrow, and that wouldn't do her any good either. Perhaps a little holiday movie would help. She gave a nod. "All right. It sounds like fun."

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"I brought the doc," Katie announced as she opened the door to Ben's room.

"Great!" he said with a grin. "Welcome, Doc. The more, the merrier."

Kristin followed Katie through the door and offered a smile. "Thank you. I had no idea you were doing this." She felt slightly more at ease when she saw Tim and Chief Crocker already seated. Had he invited Nathan as well? He never mentioned, but a holiday movie could definitely help.

"Who else are we waiting for?" Katie asked as she took a seat on the small sofa along the wall.

"Lucas is supposed to be bringing popcorn," Ben replied. "And he said he was going to try to bring the captain along; thought the movie might do him good."

Kristin breathed a sigh of relief. She guessed Nathan hadn't known before; this was obviously rather impromptu. She took a seat next to Katie and hoped Lucas' charm would be enough.

"Popcorn's here!" Lucas said as he walked through the door, carrying a large bowl of it as Nathan followed in behind him.

"Glad to see you made it, Cap," Ben said. "Have a seat."

Nathan obliged and sat next to Kristin. "I didn't know you were coming here."

"Neither did I," she said with a smile. "It was spur of the moment. I can't say I'm disappointed, though. I think a little movie is just what we need. I've always loved  _It's A Wonderful Life_."

"Me, too," he replied. "It was always a family favorite."

As the popcorn was passed around, the lights were dimmed, and the movie was started, Kristin found herself noticing the parallels between George Bailey and Nathan. No, she had no idea if he was suicidal, though she didn't think so. Certainly, she'd have noticed the signs, but she knew he was deeply troubled, knew he was struggling.

Throughout the movie, she kept stealing glances at him. She wondered if he ever thought what the world would be like without him. Even if he didn't, she certainly did. She knew how greatly he affected everyone's lives on the boat. If he never came into their lives, things would be very different, empty even.

She felt her eyes well up with tears as the movie neared its end, but she also heard soft sniffles around her, knowing she wasn't alone. As the lights were turned back up, Katie passed her a tissue box, after taking one for herself.

"The end always gets me," Katie explained, dabbing at her eyes.

Ben rolled his eyes. "This was supposed to boost morale, not make you blubber like babies."

"We  _are_  happy," Kristin insisted after blowing her nose. "It's just such a beautiful message at the end. If only we all had guardian angels…"

"Maybe we do," Tim said thoughtfully. "We just don't know who they are."

"Or maybe it's a little bit of everyone," Crocker added. "I know I've had more than one person save me from disaster."

"That's a nice thought, I suppose," Lucas said, "only I don't think I can see Ben with a halo."

"So my halo got a little dented," Ben replied with a shrug. "Doesn't mean I can't be angel-like."

"Technically, Satan was a fallen angel," Tim said, "so I'm not sure your argument really holds water."

Ben sighed. "Fine, obviously, I'm not perfect. But I thought the Chief's theory sounded nice, don't you think? Like the universe is taking care of us?"

Lucas' brow furrowed. "Am I dreaming or did Ben just say something… _deep_?"

"Hey, I can be deep. I'm deeper than most of you know."

"I think Mr. Krieg has a point."

Everyone turned to stare at Kristin with raised brows.

"I mean," she said, "that it's a lovely thought to think we're being taken care of, especially this time of year. It really is a wonderful life, yes?"

The others pondered on this for a few minutes before nodding in agreement.

"I guess we can give him credit this time," Lucas replied with a smirk.

"Yeah, yeah," Ben said. "I think it's time to say goodnight."

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As they said their goodnights, Kristin and Nathan walked into the hall together. "I couldn't help but notice how quiet you were after the movie," Kristin pointed out to him. "Did it…make you upset?"

"Quite the opposite, actually," he told her. "It's just given me a lot to reflect on."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Definitely. It's just put a lot of things in perspective for me, especially the time of year." He then lowered his voice. "So you can stop worrying. Don't think I didn't notice you were watching me more than the movie."

Kristin blushed. "I was just…"

"Being a concerned friend, and I appreciate it. But you needn't worry. I'm feeling much better."

"Really?"

"Really." He offered his arm. "Can I walk you back to your room?"

She accepted. "Thank you."

As they began walking, Nathan continued, "Not only that, it is a rather comforting thought that we're being taken care of. Perhaps there are even angels among us."

Kristin gave a soft laugh. "You don't really think Ben could be an angel, do you?"

"What do I know? They do say the Lord works in mysterious ways. I suppose anything is possible. But just to be sure, we should probably keep him away from bells. I don't think he's ready for his wings."

"Indeed," Kristin agreed, laughing once again. Once she'd noticed they were in the main corridor, she said, "I think I can make it to my room on my own from here."

"Very well; goodnight, Kristin. See you in the morning."

"Sleep well," she replied. "I'll look forward to it."

When she arrived at her door, her foot caught on something. She looked down and noticed a box wrapped in gold paper with a large red bow. She looked back towards Nathan's room, but he had already gone inside. She picked up the box and walked inside.

There was no tag on the package and after a short moment of debate, she decided to open it. She carefully pulled off the paper and then opened the box to reveal a mug, beautifully painted with cherubs with golden wings and smiling faces. Next to the mug was a box of peppermint tea bags with a small, handwritten note:  _Something to brighten your day. Your secret Santa._

She didn't recognize the handwriting, but for some reason, she was sure this had to be from Nathan. He could have easily changed his handwriting a bit to throw her off. "I wonder when he had time to do this," she muttered to herself. But she found it incredibly sweet.

"… _Oh, I believe that there are angels among us sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours to show us how to live, teach us how to give, to guide us with the light of love…"_

Kristin couldn't help but smile to herself. "We're all being taken care of," she whispered, giving a gentle nod.


	14. Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town

As Lucas sat down to eat his breakfast, he noticed Ben wink at him from across the room. Lucas gave a nod, knowing what he meant. The plan was on, whatever it was. Lucas just hoped he didn't get caught. Not that he'd be on board much longer; he was leaving the day after the UEO party to spend a few days with each of his parents for the holidays, but he still didn't want to have to deal with any sort of punishments.

 _Why did I agree to this again?_ As he noticed the captain enter the mess hall, he quickly remembered.

Lucas sighed. He only hoped this would work… _without_ any negative consequences.

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"That's a very festive-looking mug," Nathan said as he sat down across from Kristin.

She smiled. "Isn't it, though? Someone with excellent taste must have picked it out."

"A present from your daughter?" he asked.

"Are we going to keep playing this game? You can drop the act. I already know it was you."

Nathan's brow furrowed. "Forgive me, but I have no idea what you're talking about."

She motioned to the mug. "The present you left outside my door last night with the note, silly. Or has it suddenly slipped your mind?"

He shook his head. "I appreciate the credit, but it wasn't me. However, I should be thanking you for my gift."

" _Your_  gift? Nathan, I didn't get you a gift." She paused. "What was it?"

"A bottle of that aftershave I love. You've told me how much you like it yourself."

"When you wear it, yes, it does smell good," she agreed.

"Yes, well, naturally, I assumed it was you. You're sure it wasn't?"

She held up a hand. "I swear I didn't. Did you have a note, too?"

He nodded and glanced around the room. "But who else do you think would do that?"

"An angel?" she said with a sly smile before taking a sip of her tea. She then became serious. "Perhaps it was whoever drew our names for the gift exchange?"

"But we never do the secret Santa thing for that."

She gave a shrug. "Maybe it's part of Ben's morale boost? I'll bet if we asked around, we're not the only ones." She glanced at her watch. "But as much as I'd love to speculate with you on the matter, I really must be going. Busy day, you know." She placed a hand on his shoulder. "I think you should just enjoy it; I'm sure whoever it is will reveal him or herself soon enough."

He gave a nod. "I suppose you're right. Have a good day, Doctor."

"You, too."

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Darwin could barely contain his excitement when he saw Lucas. He began to squeak and whistle to get his attention, and it worked. Only as Lucas got closer to the moon pool, he didn't seem very happy.

He switched on the vocoder. "What's got you so excited?"

"Presents," came Darwin's response. "Lucas help."

"You know, it's a little too early to be worrying about it yet. You've got time," Lucas replied.

Darwin shook his head back and forth impatiently. "Lucas help. Presents  _today_."

"I'm sorry, boy, but I can't…not right now."

"Why?"

"Because I-"

"Lucas?" Kristin moved to the edge of the moon pool and laid a hand on Darwin's head, giving him a gentle pat. "I really hate to break up your time with him, but the lab computer system seems to be down. I've tried resetting it, but it won't respond."

Lucas turned the vocoder off. "That should be an easy fix. I'll bet I know the problem already."

Darwin let out a disappointed squeak as he watched them leave. He understood that they had to work; he really did. But he also understood the importance of the holiday, and he wanted his presents to be special…just as special as the people they were intended for. And he just didn't want to wait.

Not only that, he needed help. He needed someone with hands, not fins. Fins were great for lots of things, but not making presents. He slapped one of his fins down on the surface of the water in frustration. He decided he couldn't keep waiting around for Lucas; perhaps there was someone on the bridge who could help.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin couldn't help but notice how nervous Lucas seemed as she watched over his shoulder, trying to get the computer system up again.

"You…you don't need to stand here," Lucas told her. "I mean, I'm sure you've got something more important to do. This…this shouldn't take long."

 _Were his hands shaking?_ Kristin shook her head. "Actually, no, but are you feeling all right?" She noticed him pale as soon as he turned to her.

"No…" He shook his head. "I…I mean, yes. I'm fine."

She eyed him carefully, noticing how his forehead was dotted with tiny beads of perspiration. She was just about to check his temperature with her hand when a loud beeping occurred: the intercom.

Kristin walked over to the intercom control panel on the wall and turned on the switch. "Yes?"

"Doctor, we have a bit of a situation," Nathan's voice sounded through the speaker.

"Let me guess; the computer system?"

Nathan groaned. "Not you, too."

"Unfortunately, yes. Can you hold on just a moment?" She turned back to Lucas. "Are you sure you're all right? You're sweating, dear."

Lucas waved a hand. "It's because it's so hot in here. I'm fine, Doc, honest. I'd better get to the bridge and work on the systems."

She sighed. "Very well." She watched him leave, and then went back to the intercom. "Lucas is on his way." She paused. "Is there anything  _I_ can help with?"

"Perhaps just have the aspirin ready? I feel a massive headache coming on."

"Of course. But look on the bright side. Maybe it's an easy fix." As she turned the switch off, she certainly hoped so.

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Ben smiled to himself as he saw Lucas run towards the bridge. The nod the kid gave him was all he needed to know that Lucas had done what he'd asked. That meant he had to work fast. The computers were only disabled temporarily, but no computers meant no security cameras either. He rubbed his hands together; exactly what he'd wanted. He only hoped Lucas could stall long enough before actually getting things back up and running.

Not wasting any time, Ben grabbed the laundry cart. No one would think it odd if he were collecting and delivering laundry. He made his way into the captain's quarters. He then walked to the closet and took all of the captain's clean uniforms and placed them in the large laundry bag. He did the same with his casual shirts and pants. He then hung up the Santa suit in place of the uniforms. " _He's makin' a list, checkin' twice; gonna find out who's naughty and nice. Santa Claus is comin' to town_." Ben paused. "And it's long overdue."

He then made his way to the other end of the corridor to Tim's room. He paused for a moment before entering, just to be sure no one was watching. Once he was sure the coast was clear, he entered the room and removed all his clothes, leaving the reindeer costume. "Sorry, Tim, but you're a good sport. You won't mind." He nodded as if confirming it to himself, knowing full well out of everyone that Tim wouldn't hurt a fly.

Last but not least, he made his way down to Lucas' room. He did the same thing, removing all Lucas' clothes and leaving the elf costume, tights included. "Sorry, kid, but this is for the captain. Elves don't wear jeans." Now all he had to do was sit back and wait, deciding nothing could possibly go wrong.


	15. The Day The Christmas Music Died

Lucas tried to act casual as he pretended to be perplexed by the computer system's mainframe. Of course, it didn't help that the captain was standing right behind him, pacing worriedly and pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Can't you find the problem yet?"

Lucas could hear the frustration in his voice, and he cringed inwardly, hoping that Ben was right about this Santa business. Right now, he couldn't possibly see how disabling the computers was going to make him jolly; he was going to have a fit when he found all his clothes were missing, Lucas was sure of it.

" _Trust me, he'll think it's funny," Ben had said._

At the time, Lucas had agreed, but now, he seriously doubted Ben's logic. He almost felt like confessing here and now.

"Earth to Lucas."

"What?" Lucas turned his head to the captain.

"I asked if you could see the problem;why haven't you answered me yet?  _Please_  tell me it's something simple."

Lucas hesitated. Of course, it was extremely simple. All he had to do was type in a few simple commands and everything would be back to normal. The only problem was that he didn't know if Ben was finished doing what he needed. "Um…"

Nathan scrubbed a hand over his face and let out a groan. "I knew it was bad news. I knew it." He cursed under his breath. "Just give me a minute."

A pang of guilt hit Lucas' stomach. He hated seeing the captain like this, even if Ben insisted the little prank was for his own good. He couldn't keep up the ruse anymore. "Uh, Captain…there's something I think you should know. You see…"

At that moment, Ben appeared behind Nathan, giving Lucas an okay gesture with his hand; he then quickly disappeared from sight.

"Yes?" Nathan pressed.

Lucas quickly typed the necessary commands and flashed him a grin. "Everything's fine. It was easy after all."

A relieved smile graced the captain's face as he gave Lucas' shoulder a squeeze. "Good work, kiddo."

As Lucas watched him leave, he gave a shake of his head. Maybe Ben was right after all. Then again, he hadn't found the suit yet. That should be interesting, but it was too early in the day for that. He just hoped the captain would take that well too.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

By the time dinner rolled around, Nathan was exhausted. Oh, Lucas' skills had been a godsend, but that meant that everything that needed to get done, including patrol logs, had been delayed. The waters were calm at the moment, knock on wood, but that didn't meant the brass still didn't want a thorough report and expected them to cover so much territory daily.

Thank goodness he was finally off-duty. It had been a hell of a day, and although he debated going right to bed, his stomach wouldn't have it. He tiredly made his way into the mess hall, but he was relieved to see that it was not very crowded. Most of the crew had eaten hours ago. He was surprised to see Kristin at the table in the corner, however.

As she saw him approaching the table, she got up and poured him a fresh cup of coffee. "You look like you need this."

"I look that bad, huh?" he said, giving her a weak smile.

She gave a shrug. "I certainly think you should go to bed early. I was hoping things would go well after Lucas fixed things."

"Oh, they did, but it pushed us behind in our work."

She nodded. "Exactly why I'm eating a bit later than usual as well." She glanced towards the counter. "Would you like me to get you something?"

"I appreciate the offer, but I'm just tired, not decrepit. I can get my own food." He paused. "Did you have that aspirin ready, though?"

"Not on me, but it will only take a moment."

"Take your time," he told her, getting up and selecting a croissant sandwich wrapped in cellophane and an apple. "When I'm finished with this, I'm taking a shower…with  _water_."

She laughed softly. "Sounds like you deserve it. How about I stop by your quarters with it in about half an hour then? I have a few things I need to check on myself, so the timing should be perfect."

He gave a nod as he sat back down. "Sounds like a plan. What would I do without you?"

"Have someone else deliver your aspirin?" she said with a laugh. "See you in a little while."

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The hot water had definitely soothed his aching muscles and had even taken the edge off his headache. He still wanted the aspirin, but the shower had definitely helped. As much as he wanted to stay in there the rest of the night, he knew the water limits, so he turned the shower off, stepped out, and grabbed a towel from the hook on the wall.

After drying off, he stepped out of the captain's head and walked towards the closet, opening the top drawer in search of some pajamas. "Damn," he muttered as soon as he noticed it was empty. He shook his head. He must have missed the laundry delivery, he decided, walking over to his bunk, where the clean laundry was usually placed, only to find it empty. "What in the world?"

He sighed and walked back towards his dresser. Maybe he moved his pajamas to another drawer? He tried to think, but couldn't remember. "Pull yourself together, Bridger," he said to himself. "You can't be going senile already." He opened the second drawer: empty. "What the…?" The third drawer was the same. Nathan became frantic. After opening every drawer and then his closet, he put two and two together. "Ben!"

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"I feel like an idiot, Ben."

Ben waved a hand. "Nah, you're adorable. I knew you'd be the perfect reindeer."

"Only because my conscience won't let me do you any physical harm," Tim replied, rubbing one of the fuzzy antlers above his head. "And I still don't see why _you_ couldn't volunteer to look stupid."

"Because I'm the mastermind. And you'll be happy when you see the look on the captain's face."

"I just hope you-"

"I can't believe you did this to me, Ben!" Lucas shouted as he made his way onto sea deck.

Ben tried to stifle a laugh. "I have no idea what you're talking about. You agreed."

"But not to these," he said, pointing towards the green tights on his legs and the pointy shoes with the jingly bells.

"You look cute," Ben said, pinching his cheek.

Lucas slapped his hand away. "Cute is not the look I'm going for."

"I'll gladly trade with you," Tim told him. "I'd rather have tights over the fuzzy tail, red nose, and antlers."

"I think I'll pass. I just-"

Ben nodded his head. "Told you this would work. Look who's here."

"Uh, Ben…the captain doesn't look too happy," Tim whispered.

"Mr. Krieg!"

"Captain! My, don't you look festive?" Ben replied, motioning to the suit. "And to fit the occasion, here you go." He grabbed a large, red bag. "I thought you'd love to hand these out to the crew, boost morale."

"Frankly, I don't care about morale at the moment. I'd like to know where my clothes are."

"Don't worry; they're just fine," he promised. "I do apologize that I had to trick you, but I figured you wouldn't agree to it otherwise. But at least you're not alone."

Tim and Lucas stepped forward.

"This is your trusty elf, Bobo, and Rudolph," Ben continued.

Lucas raised a brow. "Bobo? Come on, Ben. I-"

"You two can go to your rooms; there will be no parading around in silly costumes," Nathan said with a frown.

As Tim and Lucas began to leave, Ben said, "But, sir, I really think if you just-"

"Do you really think it's a good idea to test me, Lieutenant? I said no, it's not happening! Not today, not ever! In fact, I think this holiday business has gone too far!"

"Too far? What…what do you mean?"

"I mean, I've had it!" Nathan cried. "I want all these decorations, the music…everything gone!"

"You…you don't mean that," Ben replied. "Look, I'm sorry. I'll go put your clothes back right away, but don't punish everyone. The morale…"

Nathan walked over to the intercom and turned the music off. "Oh, yes, Mr. Krieg, I do mean it. Now get this boat cleaned up…on the double!"

He then stormed off, leaving Ben in his wake.


	16. Love Came Down At Christmas

Once back in his quarters, Nathan paced angrily. He knew full well what Ben was trying to do; it was the same thing everyone had been trying to do: get him back into the Christmas spirit. He had tried pretending, but he just couldn't hide the aching in his heart.

He had every intention of playing along with Ben's little Santa ploy. Oh, certainly, he'd been a bit miffed by his tactics; had Ben simply asked, he'd probably have been willing to go along with it. But still, he thought it might be fun to go around playing Santa and see the smiles on the others' faces. But the moment he'd slipped that suit on, so many memories came flooding back to him.

 _He saw Robert when he was six years old._   _"Mom, Santa's here. He's really here!"_

_Nathan and Carol had exchanged a knowing glance before placing her hands on his shoulders. "Yes, I know, dear. You must have been a very good boy this year."_

_And when Robert was busy playing with his new toys, Carol had helped him slip out of that Santa suit; he'd been away at sea too long._

A knock at the door pulled him back to reality. He wiped the unshed tears from his eyes and cleared his throat before opening it.

"I…I brought your clothes, sir. Folded just the way you like them," Ben told him.

Nathan gave him a stiff nod. "Thank you, Lieutenant; just set them down on the bunk, and I'll handle the rest."

Ben did as he was told and then made no attempt to move when he was finished.

Nathan could sense his nervousness and tried to make the mood a bit lighter, despite his raging emotions. "Waiting for a tip, are you?" He couldn't bring himself to crack a smile, though.

Ben shook his head. "Uh, of course not, sir. I…I just wanted to say…"

"Don't worry about it," Nathan said with a wave of his hand.

"I didn't know you'd react this way, though. It was never meant to make you angry."

"I know."

"So I really don't have to take all the decorations down?" Ben asked hopefully.

"Oh, no, you do. The silliness has gone on long enough."

"But…but, sir, I-"

"This isn't up for discussion, Mr. Krieg. I meant what I said; I want it all gone  _tonight_."

Ben simply gave a nod. "Aye, sir." And he left the room.

Nathan let out a sigh and then moved to put his clothes away. Perhaps that would take his mind off of all this Christmas nonsense, though the lack of carols blasting through the room had certainly helped. It was nice to finally have peace and quiet.

But just as he started hanging up his dress shirts, another knock sounded. "You just won't quit, will you, Ben?" he muttered under his breath before answering it, only to see Kristin. "Oh…"

"Forgotten all about this, did you?" She held up the aspirin bottle and gave it a shake.

"Not exactly," he said sheepishly, motioning for her to come in. "I just got a little sidetracked."

She set the bottle on the desk. "Yes, I heard, but Ben is very forgiving. I'm sure if you just explain to him it was all a mistake, he'll-"

Nathan shook his head. "It wasn't a mistake."

A brow rose. "What? Nathan, surely you don't mean it. Ben and Lucas are stripping the boat of all the decorations as we speak."

"Good."

"I thought you said you weren't a Scrooge or a Grinch? Do you really want to ruin the holidays for everyone?"

He held up his hands. "That's not my intention. Surely, everyone can still have a wonderful holiday. You know full well that even without decorations or carols, Christmas still comes. That stuff is just…extra."

"Certainly," she agreed, "but I thought it was supposed to create a homier atmosphere for the ones who couldn't go home for the holidays. It was supposed to boost morale, and it was working."

"We'd never had a morale issue in the past. All it did was create a reason for people to waste time."

"You don't really believe that, Nathan. I know you. Just earlier, you were saying-"

"I lied."

"W-what? Nathan, I don't understand."

"I…I know, and I'm sorry." He crossed his arms and moved to sit on his bunk. "I tried to take your advice, tried to get in the mood, but…"

"So you've had a minor setback," she said, moving to sit next to him. "You'll get through it."

"It's not that easy. I can't pretend like nothing's wrong. It…it's too much."

She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "No one was asking you to pretend. I think you need to find the right balance."

Nathan removed her hand. "It's easier said than done, but I just can't. I'm not like you."

She stood up, letting out a sigh. "Well, if you need anything…"

"I'm fine, thanks."

She motioned to the bottle on the desk. "I'll just leave those here. Goodnight, Captain." She left the room without waiting for a response.

"Of course," he muttered, knowing she wasn't very happy with him. But he just couldn't deal with the lectures or the strange looks. Maybe things would be better in the morning. He decided to finally change out of that ridiculous red suit and into some pajamas. He then finished putting the rest of his clothes away, took a couple of aspirin, and went to bed, hoping the rest of the world would melt away.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Nathan…"

Nathan felt a light tickle on his face, a warm hand. He wasn't ready to wake up yet. He pushed the offensive appendage away.

He heard a light laugh in response. "Nathan, it's time to wake up."

He refused to open his eyes. "Kristin? Please, we'll talk later. I'm tired."

"I'm not Kristin."

Nathan's eyes popped open. "What?" He pushed himself up to look at her. "C-Carol? How…?" He looked around, trying to determine if he was dreaming. He was still in his quarters. This…this didn't make sense. "I must be losing my mind…"

"Quite the opposite, actually." She stood, and Nathan noticed she was wearing a long white flowing gown. She looked like an angel, though there was no halo, no wings, and no glowing light around her. She stood there, giving him the sweet, gentle smile he remembered.

"What…what is this?" He still wasn't convinced he couldn't be dreaming, so he gave his arm a pinch. It hurt like the dickens.

She giggled. "I've already told you you're not dreaming. I'm here because you need me."

He raised a brow. "I've needed you many times before."

"Not like this," she replied, shaking her head. She moved to sit back down on his bunk, cupping his cheek in her hand. "Because this time, the stakes are higher."

"What?"

"You remember what happened earlier, don't you?"

"A lot of things happened earlier. You'll have to refresh my memory."

"You've ruined Christmas," she said flatly.

"Ruined Christmas?" he scoffed. "I did nothing of the sort."

"Oh, really?" She crossed her arms over her chest. "So you didn't give Ben Krieg a tongue lashing and make him take every last decoration down?"

"I wouldn't call that ruining Christmas. I just…"

She sighed. "I know what's been going on. That's exactly why I've been sent here."

"Sent here? You mean…"

She shrugged. "Certainly. The universe is always taking care of human needs, and who do you think does that? Well, you are in desperate need of being taken care of."

"So, what? This is a modern version of  _A Christmas Carol_? You take me back into the past, the present, and the future?"

"You think you've got it all figured out, don't you?" She shook her head. "This isn't just about you."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because it starts with  _you_ ," she replied. "And because what you've done affects every single person on this boat, and it will have dire consequences if things don't change now."

"So I was right?"

"Not at all. Because this isn't a work of fiction.  _This_  is real life."


	17. Another Lonely Christmas

Carol motioned towards the vid-screen and snapped her fingers. "You need to see what's going on right now."

Nathan stood and turned his attention toward the screen. It was a view of sea deck, specifically the moon pool. Ben and a few of the others were taking down the last of the decorations.

"Here, Doc," Ben said, handing her a teddy bear. "I thought you might want this to keep in your room. At least the captain can't stop you from doing that."

She smiled softly, taking it from him. "Thank you; I'm still hoping he comes around, but this will definitely help keep spirits up. Are you handing them out to everyone?"

"To anyone who wants one, yes; I'm still going to try to keep morale up while I can." He held a bear out to Lucas. "Here you go, kid."

But Lucas shook his head. "Ah, no thanks."

"You're sure?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure. I'm fine."

Ben gave a shrug. "All right then; you two have a good night."

"You, too," Kristin called. She then turned back to Lucas. "Why don't you go on to bed? We've all had a long day. I'm just going to do my rounds and turn in myself."

"I'm not really that tired." He leaned up against the side of the moon pool and gave Darwin's head a pat.

Kristin eyed him warily for a few moments before speaking again. "Lucas, are you all right?"

"Yeah, of course," he muttered, not bothering to look up.

She moved to stand next to him, letting out a sigh. "You've never been very good at lying, you know."

He gave her a sheepish grin that faded too quickly. "Sorry, I just…" He motioned towards Darwin. "He doesn't understand any of this. He was so excited about Christmas, and now…what do we tell him?"

"Oh, I see." She turned on the vocoder. "You want to know why all the decorations are coming down now?"

"Yes," Darwin said. "No lights, no colored balls, no bears…not happy. Christmas is happy."

She gave a light laugh. "It is, and it can still be happy without those things. Captain Bridger felt it best that the decorations go away because…"

"Bridger not happy," Darwin finished for her.

"He's just having a hard time with the holidays this year, so yes, he wanted the decorations to go away. But Christmas comes whether there are decorations or not."

"Why?" Darwin asked.

"See," Lucas said. "I tried to tell him the same thing, and he didn't seem to get it."

Kristin placed a quieting hand on Lucas' shoulder and turned back to Darwin. "No one controls the sun; no one controls the rain. You know that, yes?"

Darwin nodded.

"Well, this is the exact same thing. No one can stop the days from happening, so even without all the decorations and the music, Christmas will still come."

"Will there be presents?"

She laughed. "Certainly. In fact, I'm sure you'll get a present or two as well."

Darwin clicked happily and then swam off.

Kristin put her arm around Lucas' shoulders. "He seems all right."

"Yeah."

"But you don't sound very happy," she noted. "Are you feeling sad about this mess as well?"

"Not about the decorations, no. Like you said, Christmas comes with or without them. I just feel guilty."

"Guilty? Whatever for? You didn't cause this."

"But I let Ben talk me into this whole thing. If I'd have said no, maybe this wouldn't have-"

Kristin clicked her tongue. "Lucas, you know as well as I do that Ben would have attempted it anyway, with or without you."

"Probably," he said with a shrug, "but you didn't see how angry the captain was. I've never seen him that way…"

"That's still not your fault. What's going on with the captain isn't anything we've caused. He's just…having a difficult time. I don't particularly like the decision he made, but I can't say I don't understand it. The holidays haven't always been my favorite time of the year either. All we can do is try to be patient with him and do what we've always done. His attitude…well, I'm sure after the holidays are over, everything will go back to normal. Surely, it won't last forever."

Nathan sighed. "Very well; I see what you're trying to do…that the others are a bit sad about it, but it looks like they'll be just fine."

Carol shook her head. "It doesn't stop here."

"What?"

She pointed toward the screen. "Wait and see."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Lucas, how could you?"

Lucas was sitting on his bunk, arms crossed over his chest while Nathan and Kristin looked very disappointed. Nathan, however, seemed to be doing all the talking.

"Captain, I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry doesn't cut it! You lied to me, went to a party, and nearly did something stupid with Julianna." He paced angrily. "You want me to trust you and treat you like an adult, yet you keep acting like a child. I-"

"Nathan," Kristin cut in, "I know you're angry, but I think you're being a bit hard on him."

"Hard on him?" Nathan repeated. "Do you realize what could have happened if he and Julianna would have slept together?"

She shot him a glare. "Of course I do, but the point is, he didn't. I think that should count for something."

"He didn't because he was caught before anything could happen, thank God," Nathan countered.

"Now just a-"

Lucas finally stood. "Would you two quit talking about me like I'm not even here?" He turned to Kristin. "I know you're trying to help, but I can handle this."

She gave a nod and took a step back.

"And she's right," Lucas said, turning back to Nathan. "I…Julianna had said she wanted to, yes, and I was going to…but we changed our minds, decided we weren't ready."

Nathan rolled his eyes. "Oh, how very mature of you."

"But it's true!"

"Fine, but that doesn't mean you won't be punished."

"For how long?"

"Three months."

"Three months? But…but nothing happened."

"But it could have, and you'll take that time to think about all the consequences…and handle the extra work like a man."

"Extra work?"

Kristin placed a hand on Nathan's shoulder. "He already works long hours in the lab plus whatever needs to be done on the computers around here. And he's still just a boy."

"Who wants to be treated like a man, and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't need to be here."

"What?" Lucas said.

"You heard me," Nathan replied. "You can leave anytime you want."

Kristin shook her head. "You don't mean that."

"Like hell I don't," Nathan replied. "I'm fed up. I'm frankly quite sick of babysitting duty." He turned back to Lucas. "You'd better decide what it is you want soon." He then left the room.

"I can't believe him," Lucas said with a shake of his head.

Kristin put her hands on his shoulders. "He's just angry. I'm sure he'll calm down in a few hours."

"He didn't sound like he was joking."

"You don't have to leave, Lucas."

He nodded. "I know, but maybe…maybe it's time."

"But…"

"I think I need some time to think," he told her. "Don't worry; I'm not angry with you. I know you tried."

She gave a nod. "If you need to talk…"

"I know where to find you."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Lucas then appeared in launch bay with his luggage. Ben gave him a hug. "I'm going to miss you, kid."

"I know; me, too, but this is for the best."

"You'd better write."

"I will," Lucas promised. "Goodbye."

As Ben left, Kristin stepped forward, tears in her eyes. She pulled Lucas into a tight hug. "I…I was hoping it wouldn't come to this."

Lucas nodded against her shoulder. "I know, but we've discussed this. You know why I have to go. I promised to visit when you have shore leave."

"I'm going to miss you so much."

"I know, Doc, but please, don't cry."

"Lucas, your launch is ready," Chief Crocker told him.

He gave a nod, breaking the hug and looking past her. "I really thought he'd be here."

"He said he couldn't get away from the bridge," Kristin replied.

"But we both know that's a lie." He shrugged. "Doesn't matter anymore. I'm fine. Don't worry. Take care of yourself, Doc." He then picked up his bags and disappeared behind the launch bay doors.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"So you're saying this will happen because of what happened earlier?" Nathan asked.

"Not exactly," Carol replied. "I'm saying that if you continue on the same path, this will happen…and this is just the tip of the iceberg."


	18. Get Me Through December

Nathan looked doubtful as he motioned towards the screen. "I'd never force Lucas to leave."

"It's easy to say that now, but given a little time, that will be you. That's why I'm here to warn you, to stop you from making a huge mistake," Carol told him. She sighed. "You don't seem to be taking this as seriously as I might have hoped. Aren't you concerned by what you've just seen?"

"If you're asking me if I feel something, of course I do. I don't like seeing people on my boat sad, especially…"

Carol placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're allowed to say it, you know."

"I just…I didn't want you to think…"

She smiled. "I know you care about them deeply, and I'm happy for you. If I can't be with you, all I want for you is to find the same happiness we had when I was alive…and it seems like you've done that."

Nathan gave a quiet nod.

"And you'd never want to hurt them."

"Of course not. I…I couldn't live with myself. And what just happened on that screen…I'd never say that to Lucas." He paced back and forth for a few minutes and then turned back to her. "You have to believe me."

"I believe you  _think_  you'd never do that. I believe you don't want to hurt anyone. But you still don't seem to believe that something horrible could happen in the near future because of your recent actions."

"But you know me…"

She held up a hand. "I think you need to see more of what your future could be if you don't do something about it now."

Nathan frowned and turned his attention back to the screen.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Are we still on for dinner tonight?"

Nathan looked up from his breakfast, seeing Kristin's hopeful smile. "Oh…was that tonight?"

She frowned as she sat across from him. "Don't tell me you've forgotten. We planned this weeks ago. We've both been so busy lately, we haven't gotten a chance to…connect."

"I know, but you know how things are," he replied.

"No, I don't know how things are since we've hardly spoken since Lucas left."

"I've been busy," he said with a shrug.

"You miss him," she decided.

"I'd rather not talk about him right now."

She sighed. "Very well. So what about tonight?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm busy."

"Doing what?"

"Military business; I doubt you'd be interested."

"Well, why don't you tell me? Maybe I can help?"

He simply laughed. "Routine tests on the bridge, something you wouldn't know anything about."

She gave a shrug. "Well, what about afterwards?"

"It could be late."

"That's all right. I don't mind waiting. I have the day off tomorrow."

He shot her a look. "Lucky you, but  _some_  people still need to work around here; not everyone has that privilege."

"I…I wasn't trying to-"

"Just forget it; I need to get to the bridge." He stood to leave, but she placed a hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry; I wasn't trying to upset you. Maybe we can plan something for the weekend perhaps?"

He shrugged her hand away. "We'll have to play it by ear."

"Is that a yes or a no?"

He shook his head. "Do we really need to do this now?"

"I've been trying to be patient with you, but you're not making it easy," she replied, crossing her arms over her chest. "All I'm asking for is a straight answer. Why is that so hard?"

"Perhaps I wasn't clear, Doctor. We will discuss this later."

"And when will that be, since you can't seem to fit me into your busy schedule?" She gave him an icy glare.

He held up a hand. "I need to get to the bridge."

"I'll walk with you," she offered. "I've got a little time before I need to be in the lab."

"I think I'd rather walk alone," he said stiffly.

She took a deep breath. "Nathan, I…I can't wait around forever." Her voice trembled slightly.

"Then, don't." With that, he turned away.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan turned away from the screen for a moment. "That doesn't seem like Kristin."

Carol crossed her arms over her chest. "What do you mean? Are you going to try to tell me that won't happen either?"

"No, what I mean is you must not know her very well if you don't know how out of character it would be for her to apologize." He shook his head. "If that's really supposed to happen, she'd give me a tongue lashing. No one pushes her around, you know."

"You're absolutely right," Carol said thoughtfully. "But you also know that she's an open book around you. I've seen it. She shows you a side the rest of the crew rarely sees; she's more vulnerable than she lets on." She paused. "I think you need to see how it turns out; I think then you'll understand…just a few short months from now if you continue on this path."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Lucas, it's so lovely to talk to you," Kristin gushed over the vid-link. "I've missed you so."

Lucas grinned. "It's only been a few weeks."

"Well, it feels like a lifetime," she replied. "I knew you were getting settled into your apartment, so I didn't want to bother you."

He stepped back and tilted the screen. "What do you think of the place…what you can see of it anyway?"

She laughed. "Your ceiling looks very clean."

"Sorry; well, you'll just have to come see it for yourself; there's a guestroom with your name on it."

"That's very kind of you, Lucas, but I doubt you want an old woman hanging out with you and your roommate."

"Sure we do," someone said over Lucas' shoulder.

"Doc, this is Nick…Wolfman. I know I've told you about him."

"Ah, so this is Wolfman," Kristin replied. "Lovely to meet you."

"You, too," Nick replied. "And Lucas is right; you can visit anytime. Honest."

"Thank you; I just might take you up on that."

"Good. Well, I'll leave you two be; see you later, Lucas."

Well, he seems very nice," Kristin said once Nick had left. "I'm glad you two are getting on well."

"Thanks; and he helped me get a job where he works. Don't worry, we're computer techs, not professional hackers."

"Well, I didn't think you were doing anything illegal. I'm…I'm just glad to see you're doing well." She turned away and wiped at her eyes.

"Doc?"

"It…it's nothing," she said with a wave of her hand.

Lucas raised a brow. "You know you're a terrible liar, too." He sighed. "It's the captain, isn't it?"

She nodded quietly before turning back to him. "He's…changed so much lately. I…I'm not sure I can stay here much longer myself. I…I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not happy here anymore."

"Where will you go?"

"Well, I confided in Malcolm a few days ago. I…I had to speak to someone," she replied. "The whole atmosphere has changed." She shook her head. "You wouldn't believe it. Anyway, he told me I could always work with him until I found something more permanent."

"And you're thinking about it?"

"I'd be closer to Cynthia if I did…and closer to you as well." She sighed. "I actually handed in my resignation to the admiral this morning."

"Bet that went over like a lead balloon," Lucas muttered.

"Actually, no; I mean, he wasn't particularly pleased, but he understood. Apparently, a few of the other crewmen have asked to be transferred as well."

"What's the UEO going to do about that?"

She shrugged. "That's not really my problem. Besides, everyone is replaceable. There are hundreds of well-qualified doctors just begging for my position. It won't take them long to find someone else."

"But no one will ever be like you," Lucas told her.

She blushed. "Well, be that as it may, I think I've overstayed my welcome…or something."

"You'll call me when you get settled?"

She nodded. "Of course, and we'll set aside some time to see one another."

"I'll look forward to it. Take care, Doc."

"You, too, dear."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Can I at least get you to change your mind?" Nathan asked, stepping into launchbay.

She sighed, handing her bags over to Chief Crocker. "It's a little late for that, isn't it? I tried to talk to you, but you never wanted to."

"I was busy."

"You know this is best for both of us. I'm just as miserable as you, and I think we need to change that."

"You were never the one making me miserable, Kristin. I know I had a funny way of showing it, but…"

"Doctor?" Chief Crocker called. "You about ready?"

She held up a hand. "Just a few more minutes, please?"

He gave a nod and stepped away.

"I…I told you I couldn't wait around forever. I meant it," she said quietly. She moved to give him a kiss on the cheek. "I wish you nothing but happiness. Perhaps…perhaps our paths will cross again one day."

Nathan watched her leave, hearing her utter a soft sob as she disappeared through the doors.


	19. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: References to suicide in this chapter. Thank you.

Carol snapped her fingers and the vid-screen turned off. "Now do you see what I was saying?"

"You said that everyone's lives would be ruined," Nathan said, "only Lucas' future doesn't seem all that bad. I mean, living in his own apartment with his best friend? Almost seems like that would be better for him…"

"Looks can be deceiving. Sure, he fares well at first, but given a few years' time, things go from bad to worse. Would you like to see?"

"Do I have a choice?"

Carol shrugged. "It won't be pretty."

"I can handle it," he assured her.

"Very well," she replied as she snapped her fingers once again.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan watched the screen as Lucas walked through the front door of his apartment with a brown paper bag in his hand and sat down on the couch. No, such a simple act that shouldn't raise any red flags, but Nathan instantly noticed there was something different, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Obviously, Lucas was a few years older; he'd decided to grow a goatee and mustache, but there was something about his demeanor…

"Alone again…naturally," Lucas muttered to himself. He let out a sigh and opened the bag, pulling out a bottle of rum. "Time to get wasted." He opened the bottle and took a long drink.

Nathan turned to Carol, giving her a questioning look.

"Nick met a girl, got married, settled down. He and Lucas still see one another at work, but…well, Nick noticed the changes in his friend. He told him he needs to get help, but…"

"I really don't care anymore."

Lucas' voice brought Nathan's attention back to the screen. "My parents are gone."

"His parents died just a few months apart," Carol said quietly. "His mother died from cancer; his father, a power plant explosion."

"That must have been horrible…" Nathan muttered.

Carol nodded. "Of course it was. And he didn't have anyone to turn to after that…besides the alcohol, that is."

Nathan shook his head. "But what about Kristin? Didn't they keep in contact?"

"She tried, but…" Carol let out a sigh. "She's got her own problems." She snapped her fingers, and the screen changed.

Nathan instantly recognized it as Malcolm's island. It still looked the same as the last time he was there. But when the screen showed the inside of the house, he could tell something was off there as well.

"Sweetheart…"

Nathan cringed upon hearing Malcolm's voice uttering such a sentiment. He wasn't calling Kristin's name, was he? He hoped not.

Malcolm walked up the stairs, carrying a tray of food. He stopped outside the door and knocked gently. "Kristin, sweetheart? I brought you something to eat. Can…can I come in, please?"

After a soft clearing of her throat came, "All right."

When Malcolm opened the door, Nathan was shocked by what he saw. Kristin sat on the bed, dressed in a pink nightgown. Her hair looked as though it hadn't been brushed in days, and she looked dangerously thin.

She took a ragged breath and turned to look at Malcolm, her eyes looking sunken and hollow. "I…I'm not very hungry."

Malcolm set the tray down on a nearby table and sat next to her, putting his arm around her fragile shoulders. "I know, but you need to keep your strength up." He placed a kiss to her temple. "What do you think Cynthia would say if she were here?"

Kristin's lips formed a thin line. "I asked you not to say her name," she choked out as a few silent tears ran down her cheeks.

Malcolm sighed. "I'm sorry, but it's been six months. I thought…" He ran a hand through her mussed hair. "Maybe you should start seeing the doctor again."

"I don't feel like leaving the house," she whispered.

"I'm sure I could make arrangements for him to come here."

She shook her head, her eyes still filled with tears. "I don't need to see a doctor."

"You're not well, and I won't have my wife-"

Kristin stood, eyes blazing with anger. "I never wanted to marry you in the first place! You know I'm not in love with you! Why in the hell do you insist on hanging on to a love that isn't here?" She turned away then, burying her head in her hands, crying softly.

Malcolm waited a few moments before placing a hand on her trembling shoulders. "Because I've always loved you, cared for you. And despite everything, I don't want to see you destroy your life."

"What life?" she scoffed, her voice thick with emotion. "I've been stuck on survive mode for so long…" She took a shaky breath. "I just don't see the point anymore. I wish it would have been me instead of her."

"I know," Malcolm said quietly as he made his way towards the door. "But I'm not going to stand here and watch you destroy what little life you have left. Try the soup; you'll like it. I'm calling the doctor. You'll thank me later."

As soon as he'd closed the door, Kristin scrambled for the nightstand, searching frantically for something. "I know they're in here," she said to herself. She pulled out magazines and books until a rattle could be heard. "Thank goodness." She pulled out a bottle of pills.

Nathan put a hand over his mouth, shaking his head. "Don't tell me she's going to…" His voice trailed off, suddenly realizing he couldn't say the words out loud.

Carol moved to stand behind him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. When Nathan turned to look at her, she gave a nod.

As they both turned their eyes back to the screen, Kristin had already opened the bottle. She then poured the pills out into her hand, popped them into her mouth, and washed them down with the glass of water from the tray Malcolm had brought her.

She then lay down on the bed and…

"Stop!" Nathan shouted.

Carol snapped her fingers and the screen went dark. "I'd told you it wouldn't be pretty."

"But I didn't… You didn't tell me…" He scrubbed a hand over his face and took a sobering breath. "This all happens because of me?"

She nodded quietly. "Because you take the wrong path."

"What?"

"You took the wrong path," she said again. "Certainly, there are several paths one can take over the course of their lives. Every path is filled with ups and downs, rights and wrongs… But you took a wrong turn, so to speak, and that in turn, causes everyone else on the boat to take a wrong turn as well. I told you your behavior affects everyone you're involved with as well as your own life. I meant it."

"I need to fix it."

She nodded. "And you already know where to start."

"The decorations? But I don't see how that will change everything."

"It won't, but it's a start," she replied. "And everything will fall into place after that."

"But what if I-"

"You won't make a mistake." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and motioned towards the clock. "But it's late. You should get some sleep and start on it in the morning."

"You're leaving?"

"I have to. You don't need me any longer, and I can see you're in good hands."

"I miss you, kiddo."

She smiled. "Me too, but I'm always in your heart. Just don't make me have to come back here again."

"I won't," he promised.

"Sleep well, Nathan. I love you."

"I love you, too."


	20. Christmas Don't Be Late

" _Okay, Simon?"_

" _Okay!"_

" _Okay, Theodore?"_

" _Okay!"_

" _Okay, Alvin? Alvin? Alvin!"_

" _Okay!"_

Kristin sat bolt upright in bed. At first, she thought she'd been dreaming, hearing the high-pitched voices of Alvin and the Chipmunks, but she then realized it was reality. But…why was she hearing the Chipmunks exactly?

"… _Me, I want a hula hoop! We can hardly stand the wait. Please Christmas, don't be late!"_

"Of course, the PA system," she said to herself. "I'd completely forgotten." As she threw the covers off, however, the memories of yesterday came flooding back.  _Why am I hearing Christmas music then?_  "Oh, no; tell me he didn't."

" _I still want a hula hoop!"_

She shook her head. "He must have." She got dressed as quickly as she could, deciding she had to put a stop to this before Nathan went ballistic, if he hadn't already.

When she opened the door, she was somewhat relieved when she didn't hear yelling. But she let out a groan once she saw tinsel, ornaments, and teddy bears everywhere. "It's worse than I thought." She made a bee-line for Ben's room, knocking loudly.

It took Ben several minutes to answer; when he did so, it was apparent he'd just woken up, his eyes still half-closed.

Kristin didn't care, however. She grabbed onto his shirt with both hands. "What in the world were you  _thinking_?"

"Good morning to you too, Doc," he replied, gently removing her hands. "You're going to have to be more specific, though."

She shot him a glare, crossing her arms. "Don't play cute with me; I'm hardly in the mood, and the captain is going to  _flip_  when he sees what you've done! What possessed you to defy him?"

Ben ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not playing cute; honest. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

Kristin eyed him for a moment. He did look innocent, but then, he always tried to look that way, even when he was guilty. She put her hand on his chin and forced him to look down the corridor. "Does that answer your question? And the music's back on. When did you do all this?"

Ben stood there wide-eyed and open-mouthed, giving a shake of his head. "I didn't."

Her brow furrowed. "You really expect me to believe that? You're the only one who had access to the decorations. You must have stayed up half the night."

"We brought the decorations down to the supply closet on E-deck, remember? We didn't have enough room here. And why would I put them up after being made to take them all down?"

"Well, if you didn't do it, who did?"

"Ho, ho, ho!"

Kristin and Ben both turned to see Santa Claus coming around the corner, a large red bag swung over his shoulder.

"Good morning, you two," he said cheerily. "Like what I've done with the place?"

"Na…Nathan?" Kristin stammered.

He put a finger to his lips. "We'll keep that on the DL. I don't want to blow my cover." He then pulled out two candy canes from his pocket. "Here we are; a little present."

Ben and Kristin both exchanged confused glances but then accepted the treats.

"What are you doing exactly, Cap…er, I mean, Santa?"

"Spreading Christmas cheer, boosting morale, Lieutenant…" He motioned to the bag on his shoulder. "And delivering gifts to all the good boys and girls on board. Don't worry; you're both on the nice list." He leaned towards Ben and lowered his voice. "Had to pull a few strings with my elves for you, though."

"Uh, thanks, Santa."

Nathan waved a hand. "Don't mention it." He glanced at his watch. "I hate to do this, but I really need to get on the bridge. I expect you both to be there as well as soon as breakfast is finished or you won't get your presents." He then turned to leave, whistling  _Here Comes Santa Claus._

"Do you think he's feeling all right?" Ben asked as soon as Nathan had disappeared around the corner.

She shook her head. "I certainly hope so. Maybe we shouldn't question it?"

"As long as he doesn't expect me to sit on his lap, I'm fine with it."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin sat down at her usual table in the mess hall when she heard a familiar voice.

"Here you are. You never came to the bridge." Nathan sat down across from her.

"I was planning on it, only there was a small emergency. One of the ensigns tripped over a bundle of tinsel someone forgot to hang up. Got quite a nasty bump on the head. He'll live, but the tinsel had to be put down." She gave him a smile. "I see you've put away the Santa suit for now."

He rubbed his hand over his uniform. "Well, St. Nick needed a rest. I'm sure he'll come back later, but he told me to give you this." He handed her a box wrapped in red wrapping paper with a silver bow on top.

"Oh, you didn't have to do this."

"I didn't. It's from Santa."

She pushed the present aside, eyeing him carefully. "What's gotten into you?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, taking a bite of his egg substitute.

"Well, last night…and then this morning…? It's like night and day."

He nodded. "I realize now I was a little too hard on everyone, and I realize I was bringing everybody down. I decided a change of heart was in order." He looked up. "Do you approve?"

"Indeed, though Ben and I were wondering if you'd had a fever," she teased.

He laughed. "No, just boosting morale, and it appears to be working." He motioned towards the other tables where the other crew members were laughing and showing off their gifts. "Aren't you going to open your present?"

She finished her coffee and stood. "I will when I get a chance, but I need to get to the lab."

"You're not eating?" He gave her a disapproving frown.

"I'm not feeling very hungry this morning; I'll be fine."

"But…but lunchtime is four hours away." He shook his head. "Please, have  _something_?"

She gave him a relenting sigh, choosing a grapefruit from the nearby cart. "Happy now? I'll eat it in my office."

"You'd better. Um, how about I swing by your office and we'll have lunch together?"

"That depends. Are you going to dictate what I eat then as well? Why are you so concerned about my eating habits all of a sudden?"

"I…I'm sorry if I came on a little strong; it's just that…breakfast is the most important meal of the day…isn't it?"

She gave a shrug. "I suppose."

"And when you get hungry, you'll thank me you have that." He motioned toward the grapefruit.

She nodded. "I'm sure I will, but I really have to go."

"Are we on for lunch?" he called.

She turned back to him, giving a nod. "It's a date."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As soon as things were up and running on the bridge, Nathan found it difficult to focus. He'd done what he'd been advised to do, only he couldn't stop worrying. Carol had said he'd made a wrong turn and that had ruined the future for everyone. But now, how could he ensure that things still wouldn't turn out badly? What if Lucas still ended up leaving the boat? What if Kristin left and ended up marrying Malcolm?

He decided he couldn't let that happen. "Commander, you have the bridge. I have some business I need to take care of."

"Aye, sir."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Upon hearing a knock on her office doorframe, Kristin looked up. "Nathan? Everything all right?" She was at his side in a moment.

"Everything's fine," he assured her, motioning for her to sit back down. "I was just wondering if I could borrow Lucas for a moment. Is he busy?"

"He's out by the moon pool."

He gave her a nod. "Thank you." He then noticed she'd taken a few bites of her grapefruit and gave her a grin. "Told you you'd get hungry."

"Yes, yes," she muttered as he made his way towards the moon pool.

"Hey, kiddo," he said as he saw Lucas talking with Darwin.

Lucas turned and waved. "Just the man I wanted to see. Darwin wants to know why Santa didn't bring him a present."

"Oh…" Nathan turned towards the dolphin. "It's just that Santa didn't see you this morning. You were out having breakfast."

"Darwin present," the dolphin insisted, slapping a fin against the water's surface.

Nathan laughed. "And you'll get it, but Santa's taking a little rest. Can you wait until later?"

Darwin appeared to ponder this for a moment before giving a nod.

"Atta, boy. Now why don't you go for a swim while I talk to Lucas for a moment?"

Darwin gave a whistle and then turned to leave.

"Did…did I do something wrong?" Lucas asked.

Nathan shook his head, placing an arm around Lucas' shoulders. "No, of course not, kiddo. I just wanted to talk to you. You're…you're happy here, aren't you?"

"Of course," Lucas replied.

"And you don't plan on leaving any time soon?"

"No," Lucas said with a shake of his head. "W-why?"

"No reason; I was just asking. We…we just haven't gotten a chance to talk lately, and I wanted to be sure."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, everything's fine," Lucas said with a shrug. "I really like the computer games. Thanks."

"Those were from Santa, not from me, but I'm glad you liked them."

Lucas rolled his eyes a bit. "Okay."

After a bit of an awkward pause, Nathan continued. "You do know I care about you, right?"

"Of course. What's this about?"

Nathan waved off his question. "And you know if there's ever a problem, you can come to me? I'll always help you."

"Sure. Why are you asking all these questions?" Lucas asked.

Nathan patted his shoulder. "I just wanted to be sure you knew, that's all. See you later, kiddo."

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"Everything go all right with the captain?" Kristin asked once Lucas appeared in her doorway.

He nodded. "Yeah, fine…but did you notice anything different about him?"

"Besides the Santa suit?" she asked with a wink.

"I meant the way he was acting. Like…like he was just really worried or something?"

Kristin thought for a moment. "Actually, yes. He was rather a mother hen with me as well. But I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. He and I are having lunch together. I'll speak to him then." She then handed him a stack of papers. "Now what do you say we get some work done, shall we?"

"Sure thing, Doc."


	21. Winter Wonderland

"Knock, knock."

Kristin looked up from her laptop, giving Nathan a smile. "Lunchtime already? I was so busy, time just got away from me."

Nathan gave a nod to the half-eaten grapefruit. "I can see that."

"I was too busy," she replied as she shut the lid of her laptop. "I'll be sure to eat plenty at lunch; will that make you happy?"

"Yes, thank you." He then noticed the still-wrapped gift sitting on the shelf. "You never opened your gift?"

"Oh, I'd forgotten about that."

"Well, open it now," he urged. "We've got time."

She nodded, picking up the package and opening the lid. "Oh… My favorite perfume." She gave him a smile. "How in the world did you know?

"I didn't. It's from Santa, and you know how he is. He knows when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good-"

"Yes, I'm familiar with the carol. And since Santa isn't here, I guess I'll have to give this to you." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "That was very sweet of Santa."

"Well, you must have been very good this year."

She batted her eyelashes. "I do try."

"Indeed…but I suppose we should go see about lunch, hm?"

She nodded. "I'm famished."

"Well, had you finished your breakfast…"

She held up a finger. "You promised you weren't going to lecture me."

"I did," he said with a nod. "Sorry." He offered his arm. "Well, Doctor, shall we?"

She nodded, accepting his arm.

"I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of setting up dinner for us in my room. I wanted to talk to you one on one."

Her brow furrowed. "You're certainly a mystery lately. Is everything all right?"

He simply gave a nod. "Nothing physically."

She gave him a questioning look.

"We'll just discuss it when we get to my room, okay?"

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As soon as Nathan opened the door and allowed her to pass, she crossed her arms over her chest. "All right, spill it."

"How about we sit down and eat first?" He motioned to the table.

She let out a groan. "You're not making this very easy." However, she sat down anyway and looked at the dishes covering the table. "Are you inviting the whole crew?"

"No, I just didn't know what you were hungry for…and I wanted to be sure you got enough to eat," he replied as he sat across from her. "Don't be shy."

"And that's another thing," she added, making no attempt to eat just yet. "You're suddenly very concerned about my eating habits. And Lucas said you were rather a worrywart with him as well. What is going on?"

Nathan sighed. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about, but will you please have something to eat first?"

"… _Later on, we'll conspire as we dream by the fire to face, unafraid, the plans that we've made walkin' in a winter wonderland."_

She sighed and selected a chicken salad croissant and a side of carrots from one of the plates. After a few bites, she looked up. "Please?" This time, her voice was calmer, but Nathan could hear the worry in her voice.

He nodded, taking a bite of his own sandwich. "Do you remember when we were watching  _It's A Wonderful Life_  the other night?"

"Yes…"

"Well, it sort of…came true."

She nearly choked on her sandwich. "W-what?"

He sighed. "I wasn't going to tell anyone, but now I…I just can't stop wondering if I'm making the wrong move. I don't want to make any mistakes."

"You're going to need to start at the beginning because I'm a bit confused."

He stood and began pacing. "I'm still trying to make sense of it all myself. It…it sounds a little crazy."

"It's not the first time we've encountered that," she said with a laugh. She then moved towards him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

He nodded, picking up a photograph of Carol from a nearby shelf. "She came to visit me last night."

"You mean you dreamt about her?"

"No." He shook his head. "I mean she was  _here_ …in this room."

"Oh, Nathan, I'm sure she might have seemed real, but-"

"I don't need you to patronize me," he muttered. "And after what we experienced on the  _George_ … Well, I had expected you to be a bit more open-minded."

She sighed. "I still don't know  _what_  we experienced there, and if you don't mind, I'd rather not revisit it." She paused for a minute. "I am sorry if I sounded judgmental. What did she say to you?"

"She told me I'd made a huge mistake by ordering all the Christmas decorations to be taken down…that I'd taken the wrong path and that I'd cause everyone on board to do the same." He placed his hands on her shoulder. "I…I saw how the future would be; it…it was awful. Lucas left; you left. And what happened to you both…" He sighed. "I'd never want that for either of you."

"Ah, so that's why you changed your mind about the decorations. And that's why you're suddenly so overprotective of us."

He nodded, moving to sit on his bunk and motioning for her to join him. "But how can I know for sure that I won't make another mistake that affects everyone?"

She shrugged. "I suppose you can't. What did Carol tell you?"

"She told me I can't make a mistake."

She placed her hand on his arm. "Then I think the only thing you can do is trust her. If you don't, this will ruin you."

"I really am trying, but it's difficult."

"Can I ask what exactly you saw?"

After thinking for a moment, he shook his head. "That's something I'd rather not revisit."

"Very well," she replied. "But please let me put your mind at ease; I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. Does that make you feel better?"

"It does help."

"I'm glad to hear it." She then took his hand and led him back to the table. "So why not forget all that and finish eating?"

"I'd love nothing more."


	22. Hallelujah!

Something still wasn't right, Nathan decided. He'd done everything Carol had instructed him to do, yet his attitude about the holidays was still rather negative, especially now he was more worried and uptight about what could happen if he made the wrong move. Now that the Christmas decorations were back and the music played in the background, the whole boat buzzed with Christmas cheer. But Nathan didn't.

Too wound up to retire to his quarters, he decided to make rounds, relieved to find most of the other crew members were at dinner. He didn't want to have to pretend to be cheery. Upon entering sea deck, he heard a soft whistle from Darwin.

Nathan turned on the vocoder and leaned up against the edge of the pool, rubbing Darwin's head.

"Bridger sad."

Nathan sighed. "Not exactly. I'm just worried."

"Christmas is happy."

"It's supposed to be, yes. And I really want it to be. It's just…"

"What?" Darwin said after a minute.

"I'm worried about losing what I care about."

"Darwin stay."

Nathan laughed softly and patted Darwin's nose. "Yes, I know I've always got you."

"Nathan?"

He turned to see Kristin standing in the doorway, sadness in her eyes. "You found me."

"I didn't realize you were hiding." She moved towards him. "I missed you at dinner."

He nodded. "I just needed some time to think."

"You're still worried, I take it."

"I've been trying to forget, but…it's not that easy." He motioned towards the decorations. "I still don't see how this could change anything."

She sighed, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You know I don't have the answers for you. I think if you just relax, everything will fall into place. It always does. The universe is always taking care of us, and worry never solved anything."

"You're beginning to sound like Carol," he replied with a laugh.

"Maybe that's a good thing. Look, I won't push you into anything you don't want to do, but you know where to find me if you need."

"I do appreciate that."

She kissed him on the cheek. "Goodnight, Nathan. Sweet dreams."

"You too."

As she turned to leave, Nathan turned back to Darwin. "In my mind, I know she's right, but in my heart…" He sighed. "First world problems." He patted the dolphin on the head. "I suppose I should turn in myself. Maybe a good night's sleep is all I need."

Darwin nodded his head up and down, giving a soft squeak.

"Thanks for confirming that. Goodnight, pal."

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He wasn't sure how long he'd been sleeping when he felt someone shaking him awake. He groaned sleepily.

"Nathan, I need to talk to you. It's important."

His eyes popped open.  _That voice._  He sat up to look at her and rubbed his eyes to be sure it wasn't a dream.

Carol laughed softly. "Yes, it's me again. And no, you're not dreaming." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm sure you can guess why I'm here?"

"I thought I didn't need you anymore?"

"You shouldn't have, but it's not completely your fault. I should have known better; you always did let your mind run wild with 'what if' scenarios."

"The scientist in me," he said matter-of-factly. "I did what you said, but it's not making me feel any better."

"Because you're overthinking it. You don't need to worry anymore."

He shook his head. "Says you. But if me taking down the decorations could create such chaos, who's to say that I can't make another mistake in the future that could have the same potential?"

"Honestly, you can't. However, that's when you need to trust that the universe will give you the means to handle it." She blushed. "Or perhaps an angel."

"So you're always going to be around to kick me in the rear when I get out of line?" he quipped.

"Oh, I think Kristin's doing a good job of that already." She then became serious. "Nathan, I know it's difficult, and I can't tell you about it, but I've seen your future. You're going to be just fine; you just need to trust it. You've gotten back to where you need to be. Everything's going to be just fine."

"I want to, but…I don't feel it. The music, the costume, the decorations…they're not going to heal my heart, as much as I wish they would."

"Of course not; they were never meant to."

A brow rose. "What?"

"All they were meant to do was get everyone else back in the Christmas mood, even if  _you_  weren't. But in doing so, they will help you. As I said, you just need to trust it. I promise you're going to be fine." She kissed him gently on the lips. "You won't make me come back here again." It wasn't a question.

"I'll be good."

"You'd better be. I'll always love you, but you need to keep living your life."

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When Nathan woke up, it was still the middle of the night, but he felt something he hadn't felt in quite a while: peace.

He pushed himself out of bed and noticed a small box on the table. That hadn't been there earlier, had it? He removed the lid and found a photograph of him with the crew in a silver frame.

" _Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth…"_

He couldn't help but laugh softly at the irony. No, there was no way he could know what was around every corner, and he really didn't want to know. He was surrounded by people who cared about him; he really couldn't ask for more. And with time, his heart would follow.


	23. Simple Gifts

A soft knocking at her door woke Kristin from her sleep. She groaned sleepily as she glanced at the clock. Who in the world would wake her  _before_  her alarm? A flash of anger replaced her sleepiness. She quickly put on her robe and was about to throw open her door and give the inconsiderate intruder a piece of her mind when a sudden thought came to her.  _What if it was an emergency?_

She sighed, wondering why she hadn't been paged via her PAL, and opted against World War III. She calmly opened her door and tried to sound pleasant. "Yes, how can I-" She stopped mid-sentence when she saw no one there.

Her anger returned once again. "If this is some prank of Ben's, I swear I'll have him begging for mercy," she muttered as she stepped into the corridor, hoping to catch a glimpse of the prankster. However, her foot caught against something. She quickly held out her hand and steadied herself against the wall so she wouldn't fall flat on her face.

She swore under her breath, cursing the mysterious prankster for all eternity when she happened to notice the object that nearly caused her injury: a teddy bear wearing a tuxedo and holding a rose. She softened a bit, picking the bear up and smiling. "Well, how did you get here, Mr. Bear?" She then noticed a note pinned to the bear's shirt. It read:  _I have a surprise for you. Meet me in the hydroponics lab? Nathan._

She sighed. "That certainly is sweet of you, Bridger, but don't think you won't get a tongue lashing for waking me early and nearly killing me." She then walked back into her room to get dressed.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"You're lucky that bear didn't-" Her voice trailed off when she noticed the hydroponics lab had been transformed. Well, perhaps transformed wasn't quite the word. The plants and flowers were still there, only someone had taken the liberty of covering the lab with teddy bears and other Christmas decorations. She spun around, looking for Nathan, only she didn't see him. "Nathan,  _where_  are you?"

"Right here," he said, tapping her on the shoulder.

She turned to him and saw him dressed in his Santa suit. She placed her hand on his forehead. "Are you feeling all right?"

He laughed, removing her hand. "Of course. I feel better than I've felt in ages."

"Then have you gone mad?"

"What?"

She crossed her arms over her chest. "You didn't seem to be doing very well last night, and now…" She sighed. "No offense, but you're driving me crazy!"

He placed his hands on her shoulders. "I know, and I'm sorry, but I promise I am feeling much better. But that's why I did this…to thank you for putting up with me."

"You pulled me out of bed early to thank me? A simple thank you note would have sufficed."

"No, I did this because in about an hour, the boat will be buzzing and we won't have any time to ourselves."

"Very well; you have a point." She tugged on his sleeve. "But why the Santa suit?"

He held up a finger. "Ah, that's because you never told Santa what it is you want for Christmas."

"I haven't really thought about it," she said with a shrug.

He took her hand and led her to the small table he'd set up. "Well, perhaps your brain just needs a little nourishment first."

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Nathan couldn't help but notice how quiet she was as they ate. He knew she was a little tired, but she was usually more talkative than this. "This is nice, isn't it?" he asked, trying to get her to open up.

"Oh, yes, it's lovely," she replied, picking up her cup of coffee and taking a sip. "I don't think I could eat another bite, though. Thank you."

"You're very welcome. Have you decided?"

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

"About what you'd like for Christmas."

"Oh…" She set her cup down and picked some nonexistent fuzz off the table cloth. "I really don't want anything."

"Come now," he scoffed. "There must be something you want."

She shook her head. "No, there isn't honestly. I already have everything I need." She looked at her watch. "Listen, this was really lovely, but I really need to get to medbay. Busy day, you know." She stood to leave when Nathan caught her arm.

"We still have twenty minutes. You don't need to leave yet."

She gently pulled her arm out of his grasp. "I'm sorry, but I have a vid-phone meeting with my research university this morning. I really have to go."

Nathan sighed. "All right. I'll see you at lunch then?"

"At lunch," she called as she left the lab, only Nathan got the feeling she wasn't being completely truthful with him.

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Once she'd entered her office, Kristin released the breath she'd been holding. She was relieved Nathan was feeling better…if that was indeed true. He did seem sincere, but he'd said that several times since the beginning of the month and then backtracked. But she suddenly realized she was scared. He'd just been visited by his dead wife…or that's what he believed anyway. Either way, she felt very uneasy about the whole affair.

She cared about Nathan with all her heart and knew he cared about her; for the longest time, all she'd wanted was for him to tell her he wanted an exclusive relationship with her. She was ready and willing…or so she thought. Only now, she couldn't help but feel inadequate. She shook her head. Thank goodness she really did have a lot of work to do today; she wanted to try and forget all this nonsense for the time being.

As she sat down at her desk, however, her vid-phone rang. No, she really didn't have a meeting as she'd told Nathan; that was just a fib she'd told. So who was calling her direct line? Very few people had the number.

She hit the answer button and turned to the screen. "Malcolm." She gave him a warm smile. "I didn't expect to hear from you until closer to the party."

"Uh, yeah…that's actually why I'm calling," he said sheepishly.

"Oh, no," she replied, cringing inwardly. "Please don't tell me you can't make it."

"I wish I could, but Caesar's come down with the chickenpox. I'd really rather not leave him. I really wanted to go, but…"

She held up a hand. "It's all right; I understand."

"I still owe you for coming to help me with Caesar, though. Please don't think I've forgotten."

"Oh, we'll call that a Christmas gift. Just take care of that child, Malcolm. And have a Merry Christmas. Tell Caesar I hope he feels better."

"I will…and you too. Bye."

"Goodbye, Malcolm." She sighed as she cut the link. Perhaps it was a sign from the universe, but she wasn't ready to admit it yet. Shaking her head, she immersed herself in her work, hoping that she wouldn't get any more surprises.

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Kristin was relieved when the end of the day rolled around. She'd successfully avoided Nathan by switching her lunch hour around. She knew sooner or later, she'd have to talk to him, but right now she needed her space to think. Just as she was closing up her laptop, she received a knock on her office door, causing her to jump.

She shut her eyes tightly, praying it wasn't Nathan.

"Doc, you busy?"

"Oh, no, I was just packing up for the day, Lucas." Her brows knitted together. "Why haven't you left yet? I told you you could leave an hour ago."

"I had promised Darwin I'd help him with something," he told her. "And he wants you out there. It's a surprise."

"A surprise?"  _Oh, joy._ "I'll be out there in a moment."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin stopped in her tracks when she saw Lucas wasn't alone by the moon pool. She took a deep breath and plastered on a smile. "Well, Darwin, just what is this surprise?" she asked, ignoring the curious look Nathan was giving her. At least he'd put the Santa suit away for now.

"Presents!"

"Presents?" she and Nathan repeated in unison.

"If he'd had his way, this would have happened the minute he learned about Christmas. There's no way he wants to wait until then," Lucas explained. He handed a gift to the captain and doctor. "I helped put them together, but Darwin collected all the materials for them."

"Open!" Darwin commanded when neither of them made a move.

"As you wish," Nathan replied, pulling off the wrapping paper to reveal a homemade picture frame adorned with stones, shells, and seaweed. Inside was a photo of Nathan with Darwin.

"Darwin, Bridger happy."

Nathan smiled. "Yes, my friend. I love it; thank you." He patted the dolphin on the head.

Lucas looked at Kristin. "Guess it's your turn, Doc."

"Very well," she replied, following suit and opening her gift. "Oh," she breathed as she pulled out a Christmas ornament made with seashells and stones. "It's lovely." She leaned forward and pet Darwin. "Thank you, Darwin; that was very sweet."

"... _When true simplicity is gained, to bow and to bend, we will not be ashamed. To turn, turn will be our delight, 'til by turning, turning we come 'round right…"_

"Christmas happy. Bridger happy. Doctor Kristin happy. Lucas happy." Darwin swam happily around in a circle.

"Merry Christmas, Darwin," Kristin replied. "I suppose I'd better go find a place to hang this. Goodnight." She turned to leave, but Nathan called after her.

"I'll walk with you. I missed you at lunch."

She nodded. "I'm sorry, but I had a lot of work to do. I just took lunch in my office."

"What about dinner?"

"I'm not very hungry. I ate lunch late," she replied, picking up her pace.

"Are you trying to avoid me?"

She stopped and turned to him. "Of course not. It's just someone woke me up early, and I'm exhausted. All I want to do is get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight."


	24. Let It Be Christmas

Kristin's alarm pulled her out of a restless sleep. "Killjoy," she muttered under her breath at the offensive noise as her hand found the silence button. "You couldn't give me five more minutes?"

She shook her head as she forced herself out of bed. No, of course it couldn't, though it wasn't exactly the alarm's fault. For the past week, she'd managed to avoid Nathan by making a few adjustments in her schedule. And as much as it pained her, it had worked fairly well. Certainly, she'd seen him in the mess hall and at staff meetings, but she'd been able to make just the right excuses that Nathan never got the chance to question her. The bridge kept him just as busy, thankfully. With the fast-approaching holidays, apparently the brass was keeping the military personnel on their toes; Kristin couldn't be more thankful for that.

Oh, she knew sooner or later, Nathan would corner her, and she'd have to talk to him. By then, however, she was hoping to either be over her feelings of inadequacy or to have thought of some other excuse, something he'd believe, something that would save her. She wasn't quite ready to admit she was afraid she couldn't measure up to his dead wife, who was now apparently an angel.

A hot shower…a real one with water this morning as opposed to the ions…helped soothe her troubles away. She started to plan her day in her mind instead. She had been working on a rather intriguing sea sponge experiment. Her research university wanted all the data in by the end of the week, so it had indeed kept her busy.

After her shower, she dressed quickly and headed to the galley for a light breakfast. Taking some berries and yogurt from the galley was much quicker and convenient than waiting until breakfast in the mess…and it was yet another way she could avoid Nathan. After making her selections, she took her breakfast to the lab and turned on the lights. That was one thing she enjoyed about getting up so early as of late: the quiet. It would be hours before the boat was buzzing with activity.

She pulled up a stool to the side of the moon pool, sat down, and began eating as Darwin swam up to greet her. "Good morning, Darwin." She set her cup of yogurt and berries down and petted him gently. "I shall be glad when things go back to normal; not that I haven't enjoyed our quiet time together, but I do miss sleeping a bit later."

"There's no reason things can't be normal now," Nathan said from behind her.

She jumped, letting out a soft cry as her yogurt went over the side of the pool, causing the yogurt and berries to mix with the pool water. "Oh, no," she muttered, quickly fishing the yogurt cup out of the pool before it caused too much of a mess. She then turned to him, feeling her anger rise. "Why in the world would you sneak up on me like that?"

Nathan grabbed the net off the wall and skimmed it across the surface to clean the bit of yogurt and berries out. "I'm sorry I scared you; I didn't mean to."

"A normal person would come around the front of the pool rather than sneak up behind me," she replied, crossing her arms over her chest and shooting him a glare.

He put the net back on the wall and turned to her. "I was afraid you'd run away from me again. That is what you've been doing all week, isn't it?"

She moved to lean up against the side of the pool, pretending to be checking he had cleaned it properly so she wouldn't have to look at him. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, really? Because getting up at 0500 hours is what you love to do every day?"

"Not that I need to justify it to you, but I've got a deadline I'm trying to meet." She then looked at her watch. "And if you'll excuse me, I need to get started or I won't meet it." She gave him a cordial nod and turned to walk into the lab when he grabbed her arm. "Hey-"

"All I'm asking for is just a few minutes," he told her. "Please?"

She gave a relenting sigh. "All right."

He released her arm. "So tell me, why have you been avoiding me like the plague?"

She laughed. "I just told you I'm not avoiding you."

"And you're a terrible liar," he retorted. "Are you angry with me?"

"No."

"Then what is it?"

She shook her head. "It's nothing."

"So there is something?"

"Nathan, please. I don't have time for this. I've got this important experiment." She placed a hand on his arm. "We can talk about this later, all right? Have a good day."

As she turned to walk away, she heard him say, "No, you don't."

It caused her to stop in her tracks. "What?"

"You don't have an important experiment."

"Excuse me? Don't you dare accuse me of lying to you because I'll-"

He held up his hands. "That's not what I meant. I meant it's not important. I understand we have a million things we are told are important every day, responsibilities…but at the end of the day, that's not what's important." He tapped her gently on the chest over her heart. "What's in here is the  _most_ important thing. Are you ready to tell me what that is?"

She felt her breath catch in her throat. "I really should go." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"… _Let it be Christmas everywhere. Let heavenly music fill the air. Let every heart sing. Let every bell ring. The story of hope and joy and peace. And let it be Christmas everywhere. Let heavenly music fill the air. Let anger and fear and hate disappear. Let there be love that lasts through the year. And let it be Christmas, Christmas everywhere…"_

He moved a bit closer to her. "I could give you a hand if you'd like."

She backed away, keeping her gaze on the floor. "I…I'm not sure that's a very good idea."

"Why not?" he asked, moving closer still.

She backed away once again until she made contact with the wall.  _Damn,_  she thought. "Please, don't do this."

"Do what? I'm not doing anything. I just want to know why you've been avoiding me."

She sank her teeth into her bottom lip as she felt a shiver run down her spine.

"Kris?" he questioned, placing his hands on her shoulders. "You're trembling."

"I'm just a little cold. It's rather chilly in here in the morning."

He sighed. "You're lying." He placed his hand under her chin and lifted gently so she'd look at him. " _Please_ tell me what this is about."

"I…" She knew she couldn't lie to him anymore, the worry in his voice becoming too much for her. She shut her eyes tightly. "I feel…like there's no way I can possibly compare to Carol."

"What? Why in the world would you think that?"

"Because you've suddenly been visited by her ghost and…and I'm sure some old feelings have returned. And you must be remembering how wonderful she is. And I…I'm not her. I can never be her. I just…I feel like I just can't compete."

"Oh, Kris," he replied, pulling her into his arms. "I wish you'd told me about this earlier. So this is why you've been avoiding me? Because you think you're not good enough?"

She nodded quietly against his shoulder.

"Of course I still love Carol, and no one can ever replace her, but that doesn't mean there isn't room for you. And about not being good enough…you put that thought out of your head because that isn't true…will  _never_ be true." He broke the hug so he could look at her. "How could you think that?"

"I don't know. Just after hearing about her and how she made you see things differently…I suppose I felt a stab of jealousy that I couldn't do that."

"You did do that; sure she helped me along, but so did you. So did everybody here. You don't need to be jealous of her. And I think you'll be pleased to know she approves of you."

Her brow furrowed. "She does?"

He nodded. "So do you think you can stop hiding from me now?"

She smiled. "Yes; I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I was hoping it would go away, but…it didn't."

"It's all right. I suppose we're even now. I think you're allowed a nervous holiday breakdown too."

"As long as we don't make a habit of it," she said with a laugh.

He held up a hand. "It's a promise."


	25. All I Want For Christmas Is You

Do I look all right?"

Katie laughed softly. "You look gorgeous, Doc."

Kristin turned to look in the mirror, her green velvet off-the-shoulder mid-length dress hugging her petite frame. Katie had helped her with her hair, pulling it into an up-do with a few wispy curls framing her face.

The younger woman was wearing a lovely floor length navy blue frock with spaghetti straps that made her stunning eyes stand out even more. Her dark hair was pulled into a simple French twist. Her face appeared next to hers in the mirror. "The captain won't be able to take his eyes off of you."

Kristin felt her face grow warm as she shook her head. "Believe me, if I had my way, I wouldn't be going to this party at all. I'd be much more content staying here and curling up with a good book. Rubbing elbows with the brass is not my idea of a good time."

Katie raised a brow. "You've never been to a party hosted by the UEO brass, have you?"

The older woman shook her head. "And I'm hoping this is the last."

"It really isn't that bad; I promise. You might even have fun."

"I hope so."

"Don't worry; I've already had a long talk with Ben. He promised to be a perfect gentleman."

Nathan had left on a launch the night before as he was required to be at UEO headquarters for help in organizing the affair. The  _seaQuest_ itself was due in port any minute now. Therefore, Ben agreed to escort the doctor and keep her company until Nathan could take over.

Kristin waved a hand. "Oh, I've no doubt. Ben knows better than to start any trouble with me; besides, Nathan already threatened him bodily harm if he did."

Katie laughed. "But it would be fun to watch him squirm, wouldn't it? Best Christmas present ever." She paused, motioning to the wrapped gift sitting on the table. "Speaking of presents, who did you get for the gift exchange?"

Kristin shook her head. "It's a secret, remember? I think you can wait a little while longer, hm?"

"Oh, come on, Doc; aren't you a little curious as to who you're getting a gift from?"

"Not really," she replied. "All I want is for everyone to have a lovely holiday, nothing more."

"Well, I want that too, but I still like presents," Katie told her. "I certainly hope we find out who the mystery secret Santa is as well."

Over the past week, the mystery secret Santa had left several more gifts for both her and Nathan. The gifts were always small and practical, but whoever it was knew them well enough to know what they'd like and use.

"I can't argue with you there, but I'm sure we'll find out in due time."

At that moment, a knock sounded on the door.

"That must be the boys," Katie said as she opened the door.

"Jonathan, I think we're in the wrong room. Perhaps these goddesses can tell us where we can find Katie and the doc," Ben quipped.

Katie playfully slapped his arm. "Oh, come on; we can't look that different."

"It was a compliment. You two look fabulous."

Jonathan nodded and offered his arm to Katie. "Are you two ready?"

"As we'll ever be," Kristin said with a nod.

Ben offered his arm to her. "Then let's go. The night is young."

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The banquet hall had been transformed into a winter wonderland; it had been tastefully decorated with white lights, garlands of tinsel and holly, colored ornaments, and even the traditional mistletoe in the foyer. There was also a large tree in the front of the room, complete with a star at the top. It wasn't the decorations, however, that Kristin was looking at; her eyes scanned the crowd for Nathan, only she didn't see him.

"I think we're supposed to bring the gifts to the side room," Jonathan said, pointing to a separate room just off the banquet hall.

The four of them walked through the doorway, and Kristin found herself relieved to see much of the  _seaQuest_  crew.

"Merry Christmas, everyone!" Chief Crocker greeted them. He pointed to a table in the back of the room. "The gift table's that way."

Kristin moved to set her gift down and then looked around for Nathan. Again, however, she didn't see him. She apparently couldn't hide the frown that formed on her face when Ben put an arm around her shoulders.

"I know I'm not exactly what you planned on, but I promise to keep you entertained."

Kristin felt a stab of guilt and offered him a weak smile. "I am terribly sorry I'm not being a very good date for you. It really isn't you. I just…" She sighed. "I've never really liked crowds or parties. And the brass…they're just not my favorite people, though I'm sure the feeling's mutual."

"Oh, come now; we're not that bad."

Kristin turned and saw Bill Noyce right behind her.

"Admiral! I…I didn't mean-"

He waved a hand. "Oh, it's perfectly all right. I can't exactly blame you for your opinion since I know you haven't always seen us in the best light. But hopefully, by the end of the night, you'll have a much better opinion of us."

She nodded quietly, her face feeling as though it was on fire.

"Though I beg to differ on the latter, Doctor," he whispered in her ear. "I admire you more than you think."

Kristin turned to him, unsure what to say. "I…"

He gave her a warm smile and offered his hand. "How about a dance, Doctor…to show there's no hard feelings?"

"Very well," she replied, turning to Ben. "You don't mind?"

Ben shook his head. "I'll see you afterwards."

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The two swayed gently to the music, but the silence was maddening. Kristin could tell he was just as nervous as she was, so she decided to break the tension. "You're not a bad dancer."

Bill laughed softly. "Neither are you." He paused for a moment. "Look, I know we've never seen eye to eye…"

"I am sorry for what I said back there. When I said brass, I…I didn't necessarily mean you."

"But we've had our share of sparring matches in the past."

She blushed. "I just feel very strongly about certain things."

"And I'm glad you do. You stick to your guns, and I've always liked that about you. Exactly why I hired you in the first place. Besides, sometimes it's fun to spar with someone other than Nathan." He then lowered his voice. "And for the record, some of the members of the brass aren't my favorite people either."

She laughed softly. "I have to say I never imagined I'd actually be having fun here. Thank you for showing me a good time."

"Well, Nathan asked me to find you."

Her brow furrowed. "He did?"

"Yeah, he was worried Ben might be driving you up the wall, so he asked me to save you. But please know I was happy to do it."

"That's very sweet of you, Bill. Speaking of Nathan, though, where is he exactly?"

"I'm not allowed to say. It's a surprise. He'll be here in time for dinner."

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After two more dances with the admiral, two with Ben, and even one with Jonathan, it was finally time for dinner. She took her seat, and although there was other senior staff crew members seated nearby, the seat across from her was empty. As the servers moved around the room, serving the meal, Kristin sat there for at least five minutes without making any attempt to eat. She looked around the room, feeling rather awkward since she was the only one at a table alone.

She then felt a tap on her shoulder, and relief briefly washed over her until she realized it was the waiter. "Shall I take this plate away, ma'am?" he asked, motioning to the untouched dinner plate across from her.

"No, he's just running a little late." She did her best to keep her voice pleasant, though she couldn't help but clench her teeth.

"Very well. Enjoy your meal."

She sighed, and spread her napkin over her lap. She picked up her fork and took a bite of mashed potatoes, taking solace in the fact that she was going to be sure to give Nathan a piece of her mind for abandoning her when she heard footsteps near her.

Nathan waved, giving her a sheepish grin, and sat down. "Sorry I'm late."

She, however, was not about to let him off the hook so easily and shot him a glare in response. "I'm so glad you could fit me into your busy schedule."

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I had…something important to do. I asked Bill to keep you company."

"And he did," she told him. "As well as Ben and Commander Ford. And although I appreciated it, I don't appreciate you pawning me off on them. You could have just told me you'd be late, and I would have been fine with it."

"Well, you knew we wouldn't see one another right away."

"Yes, I did, but since the admiral was able to get away much quicker than you, something tells me you weren't being completely truthful about what you had to do beforehand. And we agreed to be honest with one another."

"I had something I needed to do," he told her, picking up his fork and starting to eat.

"And what was that?"

"Look, Kristin, this was supposed to be an enjoyable evening. Do we have to do this?"

"Of course we don't," she scoffed. "All I'm asking for is the truth; I don't think that's too much to ask."

"If I tell you, can we please have a quiet dinner?"

She held up a hand. "I promise."

"I had to pick up my present for the gift exchange."

She raised an eyebrow. "You mean you hadn't gotten it beforehand?"

"I am not that much of a procrastinator," he said. "I purchased it weeks ago on the Internex. It's just that it couldn't be delivered, so I had to pick it up."

Her brow furrowed, trying to think what in the world he could have gotten that couldn't be delivered. But she had made a promise, and the gifts were secret. She simply nodded. "I only wish you'd have told me that beforehand, but it's all right. I forgive you."

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After dinner, the crew assembled in the adjacent room.

"All right, everybody; it's present time!" Ben announced. "We're going to try to be somewhat organized about this and have everyone who brought a gift to go and give it to the recipient."

Kristin moved to get the present she had brought, which was for Katie. She tapped on the younger woman's shoulder. "Merry Christmas, Katie."

"Oh, thank you, Doc," Katie gushed, pulling off the wrapping paper to reveal a basket of aromatherapy products. She then pulled Kristin into a hug. "I love it."

"You're very welcome, dear. Merry Christmas."

"This is for you, Captain."

"Thank you, Lucas."

"I hope you like it. I wasn't sure what to get you."

"I'm sure I will." He carefully unwrapped the gift to reveal a photo album.

"I thought you might like to reminisce once in a while," Lucas explained.

Nathan nodded. "I love it, kiddo. He pulled him into a hug. "Merry Christmas, Lucas."

"You, too, Cap." As he broke the hug, he turned to Kristin as well. "I have a bit of a confession to make," he said with a boyish grin.

" _You_  were the secret Santa?" Kristin asked.

"Guilty as charged," he replied. "I just wanted you both to know how much you mean to me."

Kristin gave him a tight hug. "That was very sweet of you, but I do wish you wouldn't have spent your money on us."

"We'd rather you saved your money," Nathan added. "Spend it on something you really need."

Lucas held up his hands. "I promise I didn't spend a lot, and I wanted to."

"Well, I suppose we can't argue with that," Kristin said with a sigh.

After a pause, Katie placed a hand on her shoulder. "Where's your present, Doc?"

She looked around the room and gave a shrug. "Whoever drew my name hasn't found me yet, I suppose."

"Actually," Nathan said, "I think I can shed some light on that one."

Kristin's brow furrowed. "You mean…"

He nodded and took her hand, leading her toward the front of the room. "I hope you don't mind, but I didn't have time to wrap it." He then cupped his hand around his mouth and called, "We're ready."

The side door opened, and Kristin gasped when she saw who it was. "Cynthia!"

"Merry Christmas, Mom," Cynthia said as she wrapped her arms around her mother.

Kristin returned the embrace, feeling happy tears fill her eyes. "But I thought you couldn't get away for the holidays?"

"I couldn't. I'm only here until tomorrow, actually, but when Captain Bridger called me and suggested I try to come for a visit, I was able to pull a few strings." She turned to Nathan. "I hope you weren't too angry with him; my flight was late."

Kristin blushed as she turned around to Nathan. "I am so sorry I got upset before."

He waved a hand. "You didn't know. You like your gift, though?"

"Of course I do. I couldn't ask for more." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I don't know how I can possibly thank you."

"The smile on your face is enough," he replied. "Now, go; enjoy the time with your daughter."

"What about you? I did promise you a dance or two."

"You can pay up later. I'll see you later."

She gave him a grateful smile, and then she and Cynthia moved to sit at a table in the corner to catch up.

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It was nearly the end of the night when Nathan decided to see if he could tear Kristin away for a moment. He hated to do it, but he did want to have one dance with her before the evening ended. And he also had something important to tell her.

As he walked out of the banquet hall, he nearly bumped into her.

"Sorry," she told him. "I was just coming to find you. I didn't realize how late it was. We never got a dance."

He waved a hand. "We still have time, and I'm just happy to see you were enjoying yourself." He glanced over her shoulder. "Where is Cynthia anyway?"

"She and Lucas are having a riveting conversation about computers, actually. I decided to excuse myself and let those two talk. And I believe I owe you a dance, sir."

He smiled, took her hand, and led her to the dance floor. "I know it wasn't easy to put up with me this month."

"It's all right. I know it wasn't exactly a picnic dealing with me either. And everything worked out, didn't it?"

As the dance ended, Nathan asked, "How about a walk? It's a lovely night, hm?"

"Very well." She accepted Nathan's arm, and the two walked along the docks behind the banquet hall. "It's funny; when the night began, I didn't even want to attend this party…and now that the night's nearly over, I don't want it to end."

"I feel the same way," he replied. "But I think it's more the company."

"I…I'm really not sure what to say to that. We talked about this…"

"We did," he agreed. "But I want you to know I listened."

"What?"

"I finally see what's right in front of me."

Her brow furrowed. "That wasn't very fair of me."

"What? To share what's in your heart?"

She sighed. "But you were going through so much, and you're still mourning. I should be more patient."

"No," Nathan said with a shake of his head. "Carol…she helped me see a lot of things; yes, learning to embrace the holidays was the main thing. But she helped me realize what's important and not to let it go."

"I…I do want more, but I'm fine with going slow."

He nodded. "I wouldn't have it any other way, but I think I'd like to kiss you goodnight. Would that be all right with you?"

She smiled. "I'd love nothing more."

Nathan then pulled her into his arms and placed a gentle kiss to her lips. "Merry Christmas, Kristin."

"Merry Christmas, Nathan."


End file.
